Sons of Anarchy Tara's Story
by MVeneer
Summary: After my aunt dumped me in Charming, all I wanted was to get out of that charmless town. Then I met Jax Teller. bad boy & biggest mistake of my life were written all over him. He saved my life. I saved his soul. Tara reviews her life & reveals secrets she's kept & learned. She tells their epic love story and how they bonded so tightly that she was willing to give her life for him
1. Chapter 1 Revised

14

**Tara's Story**

**Chapter 1 Revised Love is all that remains **

Jax Teller was making out with a slutty looking blonde in a too short skirt and a cleavage baring top against a locker—_my_ locker. Later that day, I'd learn his name. Still later, I'd learn that he would always have a weakness for slutty looking blondes.

I was about to ask them to move when he became aware of me and pulled the girl over a few inches, so I could open my locker. I had a top locker. It was the only thing I had to feel thankful for on my first day at Charming High School.

Less than a week ago, my aunt had dumped me at my father's house in a small town in northern California named Charming. I found nothing about it charming. No malls, no fast food places, no movie theaters. Charmless would have been a more fitting name.

When I was five, my mother told my father, she didn't love him, she had never loved him and she was divorcing him. My father packed up and returned to Charming to live with the grandparents I'd only seen in pictures.

My aunt Penny moved in with my mom and me when I was about six. She got a divorce from her husband too. For the first couple of years, she wasn't around much. She waitressed and went to culinary school.

My whole world changed again when I was nine. My mother sat me down and told me she was dying from lung cancer. She told me my aunt would take care of me. She had the kind of cancer that attacks non-smokers. She lived for less than a year.

No mention was made of my father. In the four years since their divorce, he'd sent me one birthday card and talked to me twice on the phone. I felt like he'd divorced me.

After my mom's death, we remained in Chicago until my aunt finished culinary school. She began to get sous chef jobs. Each new job brought a move and a new school for me. In the six years since my mother's death, I'd been in ten different schools.

My life had just returned to normal from our last move when my aunt met Henri a pastry chef from France. Aunt Penny told me he was her "soul mate" and the first and only great love of her life. I was expecting a handsome, charming man. He was short, plump and bald. I couldn't find anything special about him. He wasn't the first man she'd dated since her divorce. I figured their romance would follow her usual pattern. They would date for about six months and break up somewhere between month seven and month nine. It turned out she was serious about this "soul mate" stuff.

Together, they hatched a scheme to go to Antarctica for two years as private chefs for some research scientists studying climate change. Their jobs paid very high wages due to the undesirable nature of living in Antarctica. At the end of their two years, they would have enough money to open a French bistro. They had already started to plan its menu.

My aunt told me that when you find love, you have to do everything you can to keep it. She said you have to follow your dreams. I guess her dreams no longer included a fifteen year old niece.

I overheard her call to my father. She gave him no choice. She told him she and my mother had raised me without a penny of support from him and it was now time for him to get to know his daughter. That's how I came to live in Charming.

Despite changing schools so often, I never felt comfortable on that first day in a new school. It was bad enough dealing with one teacher and one class as an elementary school student, but it was torture with five classes and five teachers in high school.

It was biology that literally brought Jax and me together. After the teacher Mr. Ragwell reviewed and signed my paperwork, he introduced me to the class and specifically to Jax Teller.

"Bad news, Mr. Teller," Mr. Ragwell said smiling.

"Call me Jax," Jax said interrupting.

The class laughed and I later learned this was a running joke between the teacher and Jax.

"I'm going to have to break up your lab threesome."

Jax was sitting between two girls, one a blonde and the other a redhead.

"Ima, take the seat next to Ann. The two of you are lab partners. Tara, take her seat next to Jax. The two of you are now lab partners."

Mr. Ragwell's classroom didn't have desks. There were three long tables running the width of the room. Ima, the blonde girl, pushed her lips out in a pout as she moved over to the empty seat at the end of the second row. I dumped my backpack on the floor and sat down.

I would soon discover that Ima was one of the most hated girls in school because her favorite activity was stealing boyfriends. Once she broke up the couple, she would dump the guy and move on to the next. She was all about the thrill of the chase and the rush of the catch.

She chased after Jax during high school and, when I returned to Charming ten years later, she was still chasing him.

"I'm Jax," he said with a wide grin.

His voice had a slightly husky note in it that sent an excited shiver through me.

Even at fifteen, Jax Teller was pretty spectacular. He was tall, with white blonde hair a few inches above his shoulders, sky blue eyes and a lethally seductive smile. It would be a rare high school girl who would not fall drooling at his feet.

I was that rare girl. I'd seen his type many times in many schools. He thought he was God's gift to girls and he could have any girl he wanted. Once he got the girl, he'd grow bored and move on to the next one who caught his eye. Despite his history, every girl thought she would be special enough to tame him and keep him. I wasn't that foolish. I was so confident I could keep him out of my heart, I should have realized I was setting myself up for a fall.

"I know." I said. I was trying to be cool and, at the time, I thought I succeeded. "I heard."

"So you're a smart girl, right?"

"What do you mean by that?" I demanded, instantly defensive.

"Just that you look like a smart girl."

"Thanks a lot." Telling a teenage girl that she looked smart was only a small step above calling her ugly.

"I didn't mean that in a bad way. I could really use a smart lab partner."

"I'm smart."

He rewarded me with a smile and then we both turned our attention to Mr. Ragwell's lecture on something I no longer remembered.

Over the next few days, it seemed like I saw Jax in every corner or out of the way place making out with a variety of girls. He liked to spread his attentions out and didn't seem to have a regular make-out partner.

On Friday, we began that popular lab assignment of dissecting a frog. I had already done this at my former high school, so this was an easy lab for me. My skill pleased Jax. He liked that I wasn't afraid to cut into the frog. I even overheard him bragging to another student that I was the best lab partner in the whole class. I didn't tell him of my previous experience with frogs because I liked having his respect.

School had been over for a couple of hours. I was walking around my neighborhood tugging at my much hated hair. After my aunt told me that she and Henri were going to Antarctica, she gave me some money and dropped me off at the mall. She thought a little retail therapy would improve my attitude. In some insane teenage impulse, I went to the first hair salon I found and had my long beautiful brown hair hacked off so it was barely chin length. I thought this would spite my aunt somehow when all I'd achieved was making myself look as ugly as possible. When my aunt saw me, all she said was that at least it would grow out.

"Hey, new girl," Jax called.

He had just rounded the corner on his bike—the self-powered kind.

I ignored him. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to Jax Teller. And it really irritated me that he didn't know my name.

"Hey, new girl," he called louder this time.

I walked faster trying to get away.

"Hey," he called yet again.

"You don't even know my name," I said. I kept walking determined to get away from him.

"Of course I do. It's Tara Knowles. I just like calling you new girl."

He stopped his bike on the sidewalk a few feet in front of me blocking my way.

"What's wrong?"

I thought my face was calm, giving no clue to my inner turmoil. I must have failed because Jax noticed something was wrong and got down off his bike.

"Just family stuff."

He shook his head.

"There's more to it than that. You can tell me, Tara. I won't tell anyone."

I had misjudged him. He might enjoy making out with random girls, but he did have a compassionate side to him.

Normally, I keep my feelings to myself especially with someone I don't know. This wasn't a normal time for me.

"I just found out my Aunt Penny is dead. She raised me after my mom died when I was nine." I tugged at my hair and then I blurted out, "I can't feel anything." I hadn't meant to say it but the words slipped out with no effort on my brain's part to stop them.

I'd just revealed to Jax that I was a horrible, cold, unfeeling person. I expected to see revulsion or disgust on his face. Instead, he just looked concerned.

"When I was a little kid, I fell out of a tree. I didn't feel a thing for a few seconds. I had the wind knocked out of me. I think that's what's happening to you. The shock is just so painful you can't deal with it. The numbness will wear off."

"Maybe," I said.

"How is your dad taking it?"

"He doesn't care. My aunt was my mother's sister. He's my only living relative that I know of anyway, so he's stuck with me. I don't think he's happy about that."

"Do you have any friends nearby?"

"No and I don't even have my father. He left right after he told me. He sings with some pop/rock 80's cover band. He won't be back until late Sunday afternoon."

"Why didn't he take you with him?"

"The guys travel and stay in this RV and there's no room for me."

"Are you going to be OK?"

"Sure," I said. I even managed a smile.

"I'll walk you home."

"I only live four houses down in the yellow house over there," I said pointing to the house. "I just needed to get out of the house for a few minutes."

"OK. Sorry, I gotta go. I have to mow the lawn before dinner."

"Thanks for listening. Bye, Jax." I turned around and returned to the house.

I took a shower, washed my hair and put on a knee length dark green sweat shirt and black leggings. I curled up on the couch and mindlessly watched TV still too numb to feel.

I was startled around 8 o'clock when the doorbell rang. Both my mom and my aunt had drilled into my head from an early age that you _never_ open the door to someone you don't know. I didn't know anyone in Charming so I stayed on the sofa.

Next, I heard loud pounding at the door. I was scared. I didn't know if I should call the police or hide.

"Tara, it's me, Jax. Let me in."

I hesitated.

"I can hear the TV so I know you're in there. Let me in," Jax demanded.

I opened the door. He pushed past me carrying a large backpack. I automatically shut and locked the door behind him.

"What's wrong? Are you running away from home?"

He laughed as if I'd said the funniest thing he had ever heard.

"Not yet. It's probably a good idea though."

He dumped his backpack on the kitchen table. He turned to face me and, for once, the good humored expression on his face was gone. For the first time since I met him five days ago, he looked serious.

"I kept thinking about you being all alone all weekend. It's not right. You should have someone with you. That's where I come in."

I was stunned. He barely knew me. Yet here he was planning to stay with me all weekend so I wouldn't be alone.

"That's so kind," I said quietly. "I really can . . ."

"Take care of yourself," he finished my sentence exactly as I would. "I know you can take care of yourself, but this isn't a regular time in your life. You've lost the last person in your life that you loved. The impact of that's going to hit you. You need someone when that happens. I'm not trying to get into your pants or anything. That's not why I'm here."

"I know I'm not your type," I said. What I really meant was that I knew I wasn't attractive enough for him.

What little self-esteem I had was wiped out by the short haircut. I never realized that I used my hair as a shield from the world. I felt naked without long hair.

Jax came over to me and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Of course, you're my type. You're a girl."

"You really don't have to do this. I'll be OK."

I had been raised to be independent and take care of myself. I don't know how many times my mother and my aunt told me that I couldn't depend on anyone to take care of me. I was told only weak people needed people.

I think that always being told that I had to take care of myself because no one else would do it made me feel worthless rather than empowered. I felt undeserving of his or anyone else's help.

Standing in front of me with his hands on my shoulder, this virtual stranger wanted to stay with me and help me through this difficult time. This was something that my mother or my aunt would never do for me or for anyone else.

"I know that you are a strong girl. You would rather drown than call for a lifeguard. You'll help someone without a second thought, but you won't ask for help for yourself. You can take care of yourself, but I'm staying. I'm taking care of you, not because I feel sorry for you. I'm taking care of you because you deserve to have someone look after you."

I was scared to take his help. I was scared to be weak. And more than anything, I was scared of letting him or anyone else get close.

"Jax . . ."

He dropped his hands from my shoulders. He brushed my cheek lightly with his fingers.

"I'm going to make this easy for you," he said softly. "You have two choices—you can call the cops and have them cuff and drag me away because that's the only way I'm leaving or you can just say "thank you". What's it going to be?"

**Next** **Up Tara's decision and Tara reveals what she was really doing when Jax rang her doorbell.**


	2. Chapter 2 Revised

Chapter 2 Revised Should I Stay or Should I Go? 16

_**Author's Note I am doing recaps at the beginning of each chapter to make it easier to follow the story.**_

**Chapter 1 Recap**

**Tara Knowles comes to live with her father in Charming after the aunt she was living with gets a job in Antarctica. She meets Jax when she is assigned to be his lab partner, much to the annoyance of Ima one of his former lab partners. **

**Tara's father sings with an 80's cover band every weekend. He tells Tara of her aunt's death in a snow mobile accident and then leaves for his gig.**

**She's walking around the neighborhood when she meets Jax. Later, he comes to her house and tells her he's staying the weekend because it isn't right that she's alone. She tries to get him to leave and he tells her that the only way she's getting rid of him is to call the police and have him taken away.**

**Tara's Story**

**Chapter 2**_** Revised Should I Stay or Should I Go? **_

When Jax got out of prison on weapons charges, he proposed to me by putting an engagement ring on Thomas' finger and bringing him to me to feed. He told me he believed I'd been sent into his life fifteen years ago to get him out of SAMCRO. Just as he believed that, I believed he was sent into my life to save it.

I lied when I said I'd been mindlessly watching TV when Jax knocked at the door. I had just figured out the perfect way to kill myself. If Jax had been twenty minutes later, I would have been dead.

I've never told anyone this. I didn't want anyone to know what a coward I was for choosing to end my life.

Unless you've been at that breaking point in your life, it's hard to understand. It sounds ridiculous now, but as a teen my self-esteem was fragile. That short haircut made me feel unbearably ugly. It would take at least nine months for it to grow out. That's forever to a teen. That wasn't the reason I wanted to die, but it contributed to the misery factor.

I had been holding out hope that my aunt and Henri would break up and she would come back for me. I still couldn't truly grieve for her. All my hopes at escaping Charming were gone.

I hated Charming High. The classes and teachers were OK. It was the students that I hated. In the eleven or so schools I'd been in, the students at Charming were the least welcoming. I think their cliques had been set since preschool and no one wanted to let a nerdy girl with ugly hair into their charmed circle. I didn't fit in. I didn't know how to fit in. I would never fit in. That first week was hell for me. I didn't think it would ever get better. I was certain it would only get worse.

As bad as it was at school, my home life was worse. I had few memories of my father, so he felt like a stranger to me. He rarely spoke to me. At best, he didn't care about me and, at worse, he hated me and would be glad to get rid of me.

My future stretched out before me as an unbroken stream of misery. I believed it would never get better. It would only get worse. Every second, every breath brought emotional agony. I felt utter hopelessness. I was certain my life would never get better. I just couldn't take the pain anymore. It was time to go.

"OK. Thank you," I whispered, accepting Jax's offer to stay.

I needed him. I think there was a tiny flicker of hope that my life could get better if I just let him stay.

"My pleasure."

Jax smiled at me and dropped his hands from my shoulders. He turned his attention to the contents of his backpack.

"I would have been over sooner but it took me awhile to put together my cover story to get out of the house. I'm supposed to be on a camping trip that doesn't get back until Sunday afternoon. My mom even sent food for the trip. We had a lot of stuff leftover from a party. The food is really good." He began to pull out containers. "Homemade fried chicken. All drumsticks. Turkey, ham and roast beef sandwiches. Then we have the salads—pasta, potato and coleslaw. And the best for last—brownies."

"That's a lot of food."

"My mom always sends too much. Have you eaten yet?"

"I'm not really hungry."

"I'll make you a plate before I put everything in the refrigerator."

"I just can't eat."

Jax put his hands on his hips and faced me.

"You don't have a choice. You have to eat. It will make you feel better. We can do this the hard way or the easy way."

"What's the hard way?"

"I flip you on the floor, sit on you, pinch your nose closed so you have to open your mouth and then I feed you."

I wouldn't mind Jax flipping me to the floor but the nose pinching was a deal breaker.

"You've done that before, haven't you?"

"Not to a girl—yet. And I may have used grass and bugs instead of food."

"I'll take the easy way."

"Good choice."

I sat down at the kitchen table and watched him prepare my plate. On the first plate, he put a piece of chicken, a ham sandwich and a scoop each of the different salads. On a second plate, he added two brownies.

He put the food in the refrigerator and while the door was open, he named off the different beverages. We both decided on iced tea.

"Thank you," I said when he put my plate and drink in front of me.

I was shy and awkward especially with boys, but Jax made everything so easy for me. He talked about himself and what had gone on this year at Charming High. I loved listening to his stories. It kept me focused so my mind didn't wander to the death of my aunt.

When I finished my plate of food, Jax gave me one of the brownies from his plate. He was right about eating. I did feel better, or maybe it was him.

That evening I found myself telling him more about myself than I'd ever told anyone. I even shared my dream of becoming a surgeon.

A few months later, I would be notified that one of my aunt's job benefits had been life insurance. She had named me as the beneficiary. Her snowmobile accident ended up giving me the means to realize my medical school dream.

We talked until we were both exhausted. Since Jax used a camping story, he had his sleeping bag with him. He spread it on the sofa and settled in for the night.

I went off to my bedroom and fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Jax was already up when I walked into the living room the next morning. He was watching classic cartoons with Bugs Bunny, the Road Runner and Tom and Jerry.

"I like your taste in TV."

"A good cartoon appeals to all ages."

"I can make breakfast. I can do toast, bacon, eggs or French toast. French toast is my best dish."

"French toast and bacon."

Jax sat at the kitchen table and watched as I cooked.

My father's kitchen wasn't really set up to do much cooking. He left me $30 for food, but failed to tell me where the grocery store was or how to get there. I knew how to get to and from school and that was it. At least, there was enough food for a simple breakfast.

After breakfast, we looked outside. It was pouring rain and the sky was a dark gray.

"Is the rain going to mess up your camping story?"

"No, I checked the weather before I told my mother where I was going camping. Since we're going to be stuck inside, we could watch some videos. Your father has a great video collection."

"Finally, something great about my father."

Jax laughed and suddenly I saw the humor and I laughed too.

We were sitting on the floor watching some movie that I no longer remember the name of when he began to tell me about his baby brother, Thomas. His words vividly described his little brother. He told me that his mother cried buckets of tears. A few tears rolled down his face as he described Thomas' last day alive.

It was heartbreaking. Even after almost ten years, he couldn't mention Thomas without his mother crying. He told me I was the only person other than his best friend Opie that he could talk to about his brother.

He went on to tell me about his father's death in a motorcycle accident a few years ago. When he said he knew what I was going through, he wasn't kidding.

I could shed tears for Jax and his baby brother Thomas who fought so hard to live. I could shed tears for Jax and for the father who would not see his son grow up. I could even shed tears for my mother who died so painfully and for the little girl I used to be who died the day her mother died. Still, I could not shed tears for my aunt. I still felt empty.

Jax suggested we lighten the mood by watching _Animal House_. We had both seen it, but it's a movie we both loved. I had the idea that we could watch the cafeteria scene where John Belushi sucks Jell-O and we could suck Jell-O. My father spent every evening eating a bowl of Jell-O topped with whipped cream. There were two untouched square pans in the refrigerator, so we had more than we needed.

Jax and I had a serious discussion on the kind of plate to use. We finally decided that a flat plate with no lip would make sucking the Jell-O the easiest. We readied our Jell-O and sucked it up in sync with Belushi.

"Yuck," I said and made a face after I'd sucked and swallowed my Jell-O. "What's wrong with this stuff?"

Jax grinned. "There's another thing your father is great at—making Jell-O."

"What did he put in it? Do you think it's anti-freeze? Maybe he left it to poison me."

Jax laughed.

"You are so naïve. It's sweet. He wasn't trying to kill you. The Jell-O was spiked with alcohol—vodka—I think."

My mouth actually dropped open in surprise.

"That explains why he always has some in the evening and he's in a better mood after."

"I say we eat a pan now and save one for later."

"He might get mad at me and I don't know what he'll do."

"Tell him you tasted the Jell-O, it tasted wrong, so you tossed it. You didn't want him to get sick."

"You're good at coming up with stories."

"I've had a lot of practice."

"I haven't. I'm the girl who tries to never do anything wrong and always tries to be perfect."

"That's OK. I'll corrupt you. Starting now. Let's go back to sucking Jell-O."

"I'm better at sucking than you are," I boasted.

Jax and I looked at each other and burst into laughter. My innocent comment had too many not so innocent interpretations.

I'd never had alcohol. It just wasn't something I grew up around. It didn't take much to get me drunk.

After _Animal House_, we started watching _Pulp Fiction_. For some reason—probably alcohol related—we became obsessed with the scene with John Travolta and Uma Thurman going to Jack Rabbit Slim's and entering the dance contest. We spent a lot of time trying to copy their moves. Eventually, we got tired and fell asleep. We never did finish watching the movie. Jax did have a fun goofy side to him before the weight of the MC crushed most of it.

We ate the food Jax brought for lunch and sent out for pizza for dinner using the money my father left. Luckily, Jax knew the phone number of a pizza place.

While we sat on the floor of the living room eating pizza, Jax told me Thomas only liked sausage on his pizza, so he would give him all his sausage. It was just so sweet.

Jax told me about the Christmases he had with his family. That's when I realized that without my mother and my aunt, I wouldn't have had a Christmas or a birthday or school clothes or anything. My aunt raised me for almost six years. She could have dumped me at my father's after my mother died. That must mean she cared for me a little.

It hit me full force taking my breath away. My aunt had been so kind and caring to me and I'd been so angry with her for discarding me. She had sacrificed a lot of her life for me, always making sure we had a safe place to live and a safe school for me to go to even if it meant a two hour commute for her. I'd been ungrateful and said some horrible, cruel, vicious things to her. I just couldn't get past her upsetting my life, making me change schools and worst of all, making me live with my father. I felt unloved and abandoned.

I confessed to Jax that I had been horrible to my aunt and now I felt awful that I would never be able to apologize. I hated myself so completely.

I began to cry, great body shaking sobs. Jax had the wisdom not to stop me. He knew it was just something I needed to go through. He also didn't tell me that everything would be fine. We both had been through enough in life to know that things would never be fine again.

It was strange for me to cry in front of someone. I'd been raised by my mother never to cry in front of someone. If I absolutely had to cry, I had to go to my room, close the door and, above all, do it quietly.

After I temporarily cried myself out, Jax left the room. He returned a few minutes later with an ice filled glass of Coke, a couple of Ibuprofen and a cool damp washcloth.

"When Thomas died and my mother had been crying a lot, she would ask me to bring her this stuff. She said crying gave her a headache."

"I do have a headache. Thanks."

"Thomas's last Christmas, I'd gotten a toy racing car. He got it and scratched the car and broke one of the wheels. I was so mad, I yelled at him. That's what kids do. That's what everyone does sometimes. I felt bad about it and tried to make it up to him. When I knew that he wouldn't live much longer, I did my best to be the perfect brother because I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him."

I pictured Jax as a child trying to be the perfect brother to poor sick little Thomas. It was heartbreaking.

He was so vulnerable and so open about his feelings. That was the moment when he stole my heart. I didn't know it then, but I'd never get my heart back. He would always have my heart.

"My thinking has changed a little," Jax continued. "I know now that my brother loved me and it didn't matter if I got mad and yelled at him. I think that when someone dies, love is all that remains. Anything I did or said that hurt him, was gone. Only my love for him and his love for me remains. It's the only thing that's important when you die."

His words brought on another flood of tears, but I felt better this time. Cleansed, I guess. He had helped me realize that I needed to forgive myself. I needed to lose the self-hate. I'm sure my aunt knew that I loved her now despite my hate filled words.

I would have times when I was fine and a minute later, I was sobbing again. Jax bore it all, never losing patience with me as my father had done when I was little. My father was from the "quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about" school of parenting. At least that's the way he was when I was five.

That weekend forged the bond between Jax and me. We told each other everything and trusted each other completely. It was a sad horrible weekend and one of the best times of my life all rolled into one.

All of my life, I felt like I just didn't quite fit in. I didn't know how to change myself to fit in. When I was with Jax, I had a place in the world. I belonged somewhere.

The next afternoon, I was at the door with Jax. He had put his backpack outside, leaning it against the house.

I was nervous and tugging at my hair again. I hated to see him leave and I wasn't sure how this good-bye was going to go. Would he kiss me, hug me or just leave?

"Pulling at your hair won't make it grow faster."

"I hate you."

"You don't," he said grinning all white teeth and confidence. "You _really_ don't."

"Friends?"

"Something better. Allies and partners. I'll always have your back."

"I'll always have your back."

"Great because I could really use some help studying for the biology test on Thursday. Could you come over to my house on Wednesday?"

"I could do that."

"Great," he said. He slipped an arm around my waist and kissed me on the cheek before releasing me. "You can meet my mother. Her name is Gemma."

I don't know how many times I've looked back over the events on that Friday and wondered what would have happened if I'd made different decisions. Most of all, I wonder if Jax and I would have developed that bond that seemed so magical and unbreakable to me.

If he and I hadn't gotten together, I would never have met and loved Abel and I would never have given birth to Thomas, who was my greatest achievement. Jax and I did have some great times until it all went so wrong and we both made so many mistakes at the end. Of course, in the end, everything worked out just as it was supposed to.

There was a poetic sort of symmetry. Jax saved my life and Gemma took it.

**Next Up: **_**Never Tell a Biker His Vest Is Super Cute**_

** Tara's meeting with Clay and Gemma goes badly.**

** She flashes forward to her life in Chicago, her romance with Joshy Kohn and reveals the real reason she returned to Charming. **


	3. Chapter 3 Revised

Chapter 3 Revised Never Tell a Biker His Vest is Super Cute 15

_**Author's Note I am doing recaps at the beginning of each chapter to make it easier to follow the story.**_

**Chapter 2 Recap**

**Tara reveals she was going to kill herself. If Jax had been twenty minutes later, she would have been dead. This is a secret, Tara's always been too ashamed to tell Jax.**

**Jax spends the weekend with Tara. He tells her about the death of his baby brother Thomas and the death of his father. **

**When Tara finally grieves for her aunt, Jax is there, tenderly taking care of her. This weekend lays the foundation for their relationship.**

**Tara's Story**

**Chapter 3 Revised**

_**Never Tell a Biker (especially if it's Clay Morrow)**_

_**His Vest Is Super Cute**_

That Monday, I feared there would be weirdness between Jax and me. We had shared so much. It could be awkward. No, _I_ would be awkward. Jax would be his supremely confident self.

Empower yourself. Seize control of your hair. Bend it to your will. After reading a magazine article, I decided it was time to show my hair who was boss. After forty-five minutes, two curling irons, hair mousse, hair gel and hair spray, my hair was equal parts wet dog and bird's nest. And it wasn't at all the look I was going for. My hair showed me who was boss and would continue to do so for the rest of my life.

On the fifteen minute walk to school, I discovered I had toothpaste on my navy blue shirt. I couldn't even manage to brush my teeth competently. When would I learn to brush my teeth before I got dressed?

I steeled myself anticipating I'd see Jax making out with an assortment of girls. Either he had a new out of the way place or he had a supply shortage. That wasn't possible. As long as there were girls, he would _never _have a supply shortage. Maybe he wasn't at school.

I was at my locker after third period when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Before I could turn around, the person was gone. I caught a glimpse of bright blonde hair disappearing around a corner. A huge wave of euphoria flooded me and my hair and my shirt didn't matter anymore.

This became something special between us during our high school years. He would tap me on the shoulder or back. Sometimes, he disappeared. Sometimes, he would give me a smile. Each time, I felt like I was going to burst with happiness.

One evening after Abel's successful life-saving surgery, I was in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) when Jax tapped me on the shoulder. All of the years fell away and we were teenagers falling in love all over again. I knew then that Jax and I would get back together. That's the _only_ reason I returned to Charming; I wanted Jax back.

Before I could savor that moment, someone shoved a large manila envelope into my hands. Inside there were pictures of Jax in an intimate moment with a slutty looking blonde. He smiled at me from Abel's room. It was too late. My happiness was gone, replaced by terror.

The pictures were from Kohn. I'm sure he thought the pictures would drive me back into his arms. I didn't just want Jax's body. I wanted his heart and mind too. Sure, it hurt seeing pictures of him with another woman, but I knew a road fling wasn't a threat to my dream of living happily ever after with him.

I always think of Kohn as Kohn. The sound of his first name, Josh or the truly revolting Joshy, makes my skin crawl and my stomach heave. Thinking of him, only by his last name, gives me some emotional distance.

I never loved him. I tried hard, but I just couldn't get there. Our relationship was drifting along until the night I caught him poking holes in a condom with a safety pin. That started the fight, that got physical, that ended the relationship, that was never going to go anywhere anyway.

I thought I could wait out his stalking. If I didn't respond to his emails and I didn't answer his calls, he would eventually give up and leave me alone. That strategy might have worked if he hadn't gone through my trash from _inside_ my apartment. He had somehow gotten a key. After a long night spent performing emergency surgery on a newborn, I came back to find garbage dumped on the floor of my apartment. He'd written a "K" in ketchup on my kitchen counter. Was the "K" for "Kohn" or ketchup?

I was petrified. He could get into my apartment whenever he wanted. I called a locksmith that night and had the locks changed. I didn't give the management company a copy of the key because I didn't know how he got the key in the first place. He could have flashed his ATF badge and they could have given it to him. I couldn't sleep in an apartment he could enter whenever he pleased.

I discovered the pregnancy tests and paperwork from the clinic where the pregnancy was terminated were missing from the trash. This just ramped up my fear.

Two days later, I'd gone to the grocery store, dumped the groceries on the kitchen counter and was on my way back to lock the door when Kohn burst in.

I was standing in the middle of my apartment. My purse with my handgun was in the kitchen. There was nothing near me that I could use as a weapon. Also, it was during the day, so there weren't a lot of people around to hear me scream. I wouldn't do well in a fight with him. He was almost twice my size and he had fight training as an ATF agent. I had to keep things from escalating to a physical fight.

He pulled the pregnancy tests and the clinic paperwork out of his back pocket. Not only had he dug it out of my trash; he had put the clinic paperwork back together with tape after I ripped it up. I went cold with fear. This confrontation had the potential to end very badly for me.

"When were you going to tell me?"

"You need to leave," I said. Once again, I was relying on another magazine article. I hoped this would work out better than the hair article I'd read as a teen. This article said to avoid feeding the fight and to tell the stalker to leave and nothing else.

"When were you going to tell me?"

"Please leave," I said keeping my voice calm and firm, but I was shaking inside.

When I caught him poking holes in the condom, he swore it was the first time. He was holding the proof in his hands that he'd lied. I didn't point that out. It would only escalate the fight.

He was on me in the blink of an eye. His hands were around my throat before I could react. He could choke me into unconsciousness in seconds. He hadn't tightened his hold on my neck, so I was hopeful that I could save myself.

My best course of action was to calm him down and say whatever I needed to say to get myself out of danger and him out of the apartment.

I gently stroked the back of his hands with my fingertips in an effort to soothe him.

"Joshy, you deserve better. I can never be good enough for you," I said using my softest, sweetest voice.

For a moment, his face softened. I thought my plan worked then this rage came over him. He dropped his hands to my shoulders and he began to shake me violently.

My doorbell rang and he stopped shaking me. I could hear a baby crying. I said a silent "thank you" to nervous first-time mom Annie and cranky baby Kayla.

"I'll be right there, Annie," I called loudly. "She has a four week old baby," I explained to Kohn. "The baby is very sick. I need to help them."

Somewhere inside, he had a small amount of compassion left for a sick baby. He let me go. I half-ran to the door and flung it open.

"Come on in," I said.

"Is this a bad time?" Annie asked, looking anxiously at Kohn. She was a redhead in her late twenties with sleep deprivation circles under her eyes.

"No, he was just leaving."

Before he left, he stopped to pick up the pregnancy tests and clinic paperwork he dropped in his haste to strangle me.

"Tara, this isn't over."

I didn't reply. He was leaving and I was still alive. That's all that mattered to me.

That moment when I thought Kohn was going to kill me, I promised myself if I lived, I would change my life.

My job was important and I was a good surgeon, but when I thought I was going to die, I realized what I wanted most in life was Jax. The hospital could replace me. I couldn't replace Jax. I'd spent the past 10 years trying unsuccessfully to do just that.

When I left Charming at nineteen, I thought I would get over Jax and find someone else. I didn't realize how precious love is. I threw it away, confident that I could find it again.

In a rare moment of insight, I realized that every man I'd ever dated, reminded me of Jax in some way. Ironically, Kohn was the closest I had come to finding someone like him. He had that same dangerous quality that I find seductive. I just didn't know, until it was almost too late, that I was the one in danger.

I had to see Jax again, look into his eyes and discover if the love I feel for him is a present feeling or if it's a past memory I'm constantly re-living.

I grabbed my laptop and typed in Jax's name. My heart was pounding so loudly I could hear it in my ears, my fingers were trembling and my stomach was in knots. And then I got the answer I wanted. Jax was married, but getting a divorce that would be final soon.

I pulled up the St. Thomas hospital's website and discovered they had a job opening in my field. It was a perfect fit for me.

My father had died recently. I needed to go to Charming or hire someone to deal with his house and his personal property. I would use that as my reason for returning.

I wasn't about to tell anyone that I was back in Charming for Jax. There was something humiliating about a woman going back to her hometown to get her high school boyfriend back. Of course, it would fool everyone for about three seconds and Gemma for none.

It felt like God, the Fates, Destiny or whatever force rules the world wanted me back in Charming. I felt elated. I had a new life waiting for me. For the first time in years, I was looking forward to tomorrow.

I expected that moving to California would also solve my Kohn problem. I would be too far away for him to stalk. He would move on to another victim. I had no idea that he was so mentally unstable that he would follow me to Charming, but I thought even if Kohn followed me to Charming, it would be better than staying in Chicago or moving to another city.

I couldn't depend on law enforcement in Chicago to protect me. The second I said Kohn was an ATF agent, they couldn't get rid of me fast enough. I finally got a restraining order, but I couldn't depend on them to enforce it. I didn't even bother to report Kohn's attack on me because he hadn't left marks on me and it would be his word against mine and he was a Fed.

I had tried getting the ATF involved without success. I was told the ATF had real work to do and couldn't get involved in petty personal problems.

I looked up Charming on the internet and discovered Wayne Unser was the police chief. I've known him since I was fifteen and he was a patrol officer. I also noticed David Hale was a police officer. We had been good friends in high school.

With my personal connection to Charming law enforcement, they were my best chance at getting a law enforcement response if I needed one. And even then, they might not be able to do much.

I know most people think I returned to Charming seeking Jax's protection. I've never contradicted them because I'd rather people believe that than admit the truth; that I'd come back for Jax.

I think my returning to Charming may have fueled Kohn's insanity. I told him too much about Jax and I think he became obsessed with showing me he was better than a "biker thug" as he referred to Jax. Or maybe he was just flat out crazy and I hadn't seen it. No, he _was_ flat out crazy and I _hadn't_ seen it. I just didn't think he was crazy enough to follow me to Charming.

That Monday back in high school, I eventually saw Jax making out with another girl. It hurt more than I thought it would even though I didn't believe I had a chance with him. If I were lucky, he would be my friend. I had a bit of a dream that he and I would get together, but I thought all it would ever be was a dream.

My short hair had destroyed all my fragile self-esteem. I didn't realize how much I relied on my long hair to shield me from the world. I felt vulnerable and exposed. Maybe the whole Samson losing his strength over a haircut had some truth to it.

That Wednesday study session with Jax got off to a great start. We ate cupcakes and drank lemonade before spreading out our textbooks and notes on the kitchen table and studying.

Everything changed when Gemma came home.

"I can't believe you're studying," she said after Jax introduced us.

"Tara explained to me that people _study_ before taking a test. Who knew?" Jax grinned at me.

Gemma smiled but I wasn't fooled. For some unknown reason, she had taken an instant dislike to me. I've always wondered if she sensed that she might have to share Jax's heart with me. I've never been hated at first sight before.

I was determined to win Gemma's approval. I didn't know how much influence Gemma had over Jax. I was afraid she would poison his mind against me.

When I saw Gemma begin to dice onions, I had what I thought was a genius level idea; I would win her over by showing her a better way to chop onions.

My Aunt Penny began teaching me knife skills when I was ten. I used to do a lot of her knife work when she practiced her culinary school dishes, so I was good with a knife.

I've always been open to learning new and better ways to perform a task. It never even entered my mind that Gemma might not feel the same way.

As I demonstrated my better way of chopping onions, Gemma was silent. I tried to make up for her silence by babbling nervously.

Gemma looked at me and smiled, a terrifying fake smile, when I finally ran out of words.

"My, aren't you handy."

For a few seconds, I consoled myself by thinking it couldn't get any worse. I should never think that because it can always get worse and it usually always does. Clay walked in.

After Jax introduced me, I made another horribly misguided attempt at winning over Jax's family.

"Your vest is super cute," I said brightly.

I don't know how those words came out of my mouth. I've never used the expression "super cute" in my life. I didn't wonder what I was thinking because it was clear to me that I wasn't thinking. My mouth was opening and words came spewing out without any input from my brain.

"Welcome to Charming," Clay said. "Now try not to get yourself killed."

I tugged at my hair and thought about making a break for the door.

**NEXT UP Forced Apology**

**Snake Food**

Tara and Jax make an enemy in high school biology. She flashes forward to meeting Jax for the first time since her return to Charming.

As always, please review. I've had comments about confusion over the flash forwards. I am trying to handle this by making the narrative clearer. I don't want to use headings because it breaks the flow of the story and I should be able to write the flash forwards clearly enough so there is no confusion. I've done that with this chapter. I think it's clear, but I don't have the objectivity of a reader. I have no problem with criticism and I am always working at improving my writing.

I've always started to write a new story "Jax Is Really Alive" that brings Tara back from the dead and Jax back from his suicide. This Tara has been changed by death. She's stronger and tougher and she's in the driver's seat with Jax for the first time.


	4. Chapter 4 Revised

Chapter 4 Revised Waiting 19

**Author's Note I am now doing a summary of the prior chapter to make the story easier to follow.**

**Chapter 3 Recap**

**In a flash to the future, Tara ends her relationship with Kohn when she catches him poking holes in a condom. He later breaks into her apartment, searches through her trash and finds the pregnancy test and clinic paperwork. The confrontation threatens to turn deadly when he wraps his hands around her neck. A neighbor with a cranky newborn knocks at her door, possibly saving her life. In that moment, when she thinks she might die, she realizes there has to be more to life than work. She has to find out if she still loves Jax and if she does, she is going to get him back.**

**High school Tara goes to the Teller house to study for a biology test. Gemma comes home and in an effort to get on her good side, awkward, nerdy Tara shows her a better way to chop onions. It doesn't go over well. Clay comes home and Tara compounds her mistake by telling Clay his vest is super cute.**

**Tara's Story**

**Chapter 4 Revised **

_**Waiting**_

Jax rescued me, helped me gather my books and notes and insisted he walk me home. That was the beginning of my MC education.

Jax explained that as president of the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original or SAMCRO, Clay welcomes potential new members or prospects and then tells them not to get themselves killed. That's why he welcomed me the way he did.

Not getting myself killed probed impossible for me. Clay hired a drug cartel to kill me, near the end, I feared Jax would kill me and Gemma actually killed me. Dying of natural causes was an accomplishment if you were a "friend of" SAMCRO. Getting murdered was much easier.

Jax tried to explain Clay's vest, but couldn't say the words "super cute vest" without laughing.

"If you don't quit laughing at me, I'm asking for a new lab partner," I warned.

"No, you won't. You _like_ me too much and you _love_ my family—especially Clay."

"He scares the hell out of me."

"You made fun of his "super . . ." Jax broke off laughing.

"I was trying to be nice. Maybe I should go back and apologize."

"No, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I'll never forget the look on his face though. He looked stunned, like he couldn't believe his ears."

"I thought people in motorcycle gangs wore leather jackets. I didn't know they wore vests."

"Motorcycle clubs. Not gangs. And it isn't a vest. It's called a cut."

"The next time we study together, we should do it at my house."

"If we hadn't studied at my house, my mother wouldn't have learned a better way to cut onions."

"I was trying to be helpful. I think I might have insulted her."

"Don't worry about what people think of you."

"Thanks."

"I live to serve you, my queen," Jax said with a bow.

I laughed and felt completely cheered up.

As we passed the house next to my father's, Jax noticed people moving in.

"Have you met your new neighbors?"

"No. I'm not even sure when they started moving in."

Jax frowned as he watched a tall bald man and a brown haired guy in his late teens carry a kitchen table into the house.

"Be careful. Don't be too trusting. This may be Charming, but you still need to be careful."

"Do you know them?"

"No, but there is just something . . . "he broke off, shaking his head.

"I'll be careful. Thanks for walking me home."

"It was the gentlemanly thing to do. Can we have lunch tomorrow so we can get in some extra study time? I'll meet you at your locker."

That Thursday, Jax told me he had on his lucky T-shirt. It was a simple white T-shirt with the word "son" in faded blue lettering, all lower case. I've seen him wear the same or a similar shirt many times since my return to Charming.

Friday, Mr. Ragwell listed all the test scores on the board, drew lines and wrote the grades assigned to each category.

As he walked around the classroom passing out exams, he would occasionally make a comment.

"Tara, outstanding work. You have the highest score," Mr. Ragwell said.

"Thank you," I said. It was nice to the highest score, but it also increased the pressure on me to continue to do well. I felt like I had a target on my back.

Jax smiled at me and I knew he took pride in my accomplishment.

"And, Mr. Teller—I mean Jax—an outstanding effort. A vast improvement."

"I wore my lucky T-shirt and Tara told me that you are supposed to study _before_ a test."

"Who knew?" Mr. Ragwell said.

"That's what I said too."

The class laughed. Jax and Mr. Ragwell's exchanges were the highlight of the class.

The paper Mr. Ragwell returned to Jax had a B+ written on it.

"He cheated. He copied her," Dan said.

Dan was an obnoxious know-it-all who didn't know it all based on his C grade. He was also on student council and thought that made him special.

"We had different animals, idiot. I earned my grade," Jax said.

Mr. Ragwell had problems with cheating last year. As a result, he used a bunch of different tests. The questions were pretty much the same, but the order was different. On the front of each exam was an animal's name. Students wrote the animal's name on their answer sheet so when the tests were graded, he would use the answer sheet for that animal.

"Apologize to Jax right now. He did not cheat," Mr. Ragwell said.

"He called me an idiot," Dan protested.

"You deserved it. Apologize or you're going to the principal's office. You wouldn't want that on your permanent record, would you?"

There was an appreciative hush in the classroom. All eyes were on Dan as he squirmed in his seat.

"I'm sorry I said you cheated," Dan said sullenly. His face was flushed with anger.

"I accept your apology," Jax said graciously.

After the tests were returned, Mr. Ragwell began another lecture. I thought the test issue was settled.

Jax and I walked out of class together. Normally, we split up because our lockers are in different places. As soon as Jax turned his back to walk down the other hall, Dan came up to me.

"I know you cheated on that test. I'm going to find out how you and Teller did it and then you're going to be sorry."

Jax must have heard what Dan said to me because he came back, grabbed Dan and shoved him hard against a locker. He twisted his arm behind his back then he leaned in close and said something so softly to Dan that I couldn't hear it. It must have been some kind of threat because all the color drained from his face.

"Tara, come over here. Dan has something he wants to say to you," Jax said.

"I shouldn't have said you cheated," Dan said.

"That wasn't much of an apology," Jax said. He twisted his arm a bit more to encourage Dan. "Do it again."

"I'm sorry I accused you of cheating," Dan said.

"It better not happen again," I said coldly.

Jax nodded his approval of my response and released his hold on Dan.

"I need to go to my locker, then we can do to your locker and I'll walk you home."

"Thanks for helping me with Dan."

"I told you we are partners and allies. I'll always have your back."

"And I'll always have yours."

As it turned out, Jax wouldn't always have my back as I discovered more than ten years later when I was arrested for murder because I gave Otto a crucifix that he used a short time later to kill a nurse in a shocking act of brutality. I had no idea that Otto was so mentally twisted that he would kill a nurse in cold blood just to hurt SAMCRO, let alone use a cross to do it.

He failed. His actions didn't hurt SAMCRO. They hurt _me._ While I worried about losing my career, my freedom and my boys, Jax was busy setting up a brothel and screwing a whore. I felt abandoned. Who wouldn't?

Sorry, I'm skipping too far ahead. Back to my high school days and the night when my biggest worry was whether or not Jax would come by. I didn't have to wonder. I could have asked him, but that didn't feel right. It felt clingy and guys didn't like clingy based on what I had read, seen on TV and in movies and read in books. I had no experience of my own.

It was the eve of my sixteenth birthday. My father was off with his band. Next week, they had a rare weekend off and he promised we would celebrate it then.

In between wondering what my future held, I would creep silently to the front door's peephole to see if Jax were near. Sometimes, I would peek outside from the window, taking care not to move the curtain or be seen.

As I waited for Jax, I realized that I couldn't spend my entire Saturday waiting for him. I needed to get out of the house and do something.

The next morning, I followed my father's suggestion by taking a fifteen minute walk to Charming's Small Mall—that was its actual name because it was small with less than ten stores and it was a mall since it was enclosed.

I spent the walk imagining my future. Finish high school, go to college, then to medical school and, then and only then, find romance.

I would meet some handsome, fantastic man and I'd fall madly in love. We would get married and have a couple of kids. I would be a renowned surgeon and he would be renowned for something. We would be blissfully happy. That was my master plan.

I needed to step back from my life and quit letting Jax haunt me. I vowed I would not fall victim to a silly schoolgirl crush on him. It wouldn't last and I didn't need heartbreak. I needed to focus on my master plan.

I ate lunch at a Mexican restaurant in the Small Mall. It was the first time I'd eaten real Mexican food. I'd only eaten fast food tacos before that experience. I loved everything about it from the tortilla chips warm and salty from the fryer to the hot plate filled with a shredded beef taco, a cheese enchilada, fluffy rice and refried beans that were bubbling from the plate's heat. For the first time since I'd come to Charming, I felt happy alone. I'd only been happy when Jax was with me. From that day on, Mexican food was comfort food to me.

I went to the drugstore in the Small Mall and bought the perfect shade of plum red lip stain. I then gave myself one last birthday present from the discount bookstore in the mall. I bought a couple of mystery/suspense paperbacks. Back then, I loved the woman in jeopardy and the hot guy that helps her out type of paperback.

My aunt always gave me a look for my birthday. It was the kind of gift I didn't appreciate until I got older and discovered my love of reading. I kept all of the books planning to give them to my daughter, but I didn't live long enough to have one.

The message light was flashing on the answering machine when I got home. My father would sometimes leave messages on the answering machine for me and sometimes he left me notes. Consistency would have been nice, but my father was a creative type and I don't think he was capable of that.

He had called to wish me a happy birthday and to tell me my aunt had given him a package to give to me on my birthday. It was in the hall closet in a gift bag. My father ended the message by telling me I didn't need to call him back.

I got the blue bag from the closet and dug through the silver colored tissue paper to find two packages wrapped in gold.

I started crying, overwhelmed with loss. I didn't realize how much I loved her until my father told me she was dead. It's terrible to discover how much you love someone after death. Even after my horrible behavior she thought about me and my birthday. There was nothing I could do to make amends to her. I could only hope that she could see me and know how much I regretted my behavior and how much I loved her.

I had promised my father I would make cupcakes for him to take to work on Monday. I'd written out a list of ingredients and he actually got everything I needed. I knew I'd spend all day crying if I didn't find something to do. This was a perfect diversion.

Making the cupcakes—cherry chocolate with a vanilla almond filling and chocolate ganache frosting—would keep a tradition I had with my aunt. In addition to always giving me a book for my birthday, she would teach me a recipe. Instead of a store bought birthday cake, we would make an amazing dessert together. The cupcake recipe was from my 12th birthday.

After I finished making the four dozen cupcakes, I took a shower and curled up on the living room sofa with an old movie and my new paperback. I didn't want to open my birthday presents because I was afraid of the emotions that would be stirred up. I decided I'd wait until bedtime to open them.

I was still hoping that Jax would come by, but as time went on, my hopes faded. I was used to being by myself. My birthday was no exception.

When the knock came, it startled me so much I jumped. I went to the door, my heart beating hard and fast. I almost opened the door without looking through the peephole because I was so confident it was Jax. I stopped myself and peered through the peephole. It wasn't Jax. It was the teen guy from next door. The guy banged on the door and rang the doorbell again before finally giving up.

I hesitated before deciding not to open the door. It was a combination of Jax's warning and training from my aunt. She taught me to never open the door for someone I didn't know.

I tried to focus on my book or the movie or anything except Jax. The more I tried to think of something—anything but Jax—the more I thought of him.

Fast forward ten years and I had the exact same problem as I waited in an ICU room with Wendy until Jax arrived. She was still unconscious from a mix of crank and the anesthesia used for the emergency "C" section she needed because the fetus was in distress.

Dr. Namid was the head of the neonatal department and he led the team that began working on the infant immediately after delivery. I knew almost from the beginning that the baby we were working on was Jax's son. I informed Dr. Namid of my prior relationship with Jax and assured him that it wouldn't interfere with my work.

The baby was approximately ten weeks early with a tear in his belly and a hole in his heart. We would have to wait until the infant was stronger so he would have a chance of surviving the surgery. It would be a nail-biting balancing act waiting for the infant to grow strong enough to survive the surgery, but not waiting too long because his body would begin to weaken from the belly and heart defects.

When Dr. Namid left for the day, it fell to me to deliver the news to the family. This was definitely not the way I wanted to see Jax for the first time, but I had no choice.

I didn't have a plan to meet Jax. I figured out that Charming was small and we would eventually bump into each other. I never dreamed we would meet the way we did.

I felt like a fraud. Underneath my medical veneer, I was still the shy, awkward, insecure mess of a teen. I hadn't changed as much as I wanted to believe.

Despite my inner turmoil, I knew that I appeared outwardly composed. No matter how chaotic my emotions, I can appear calm. People frequently see me as cold or aloof because I conceal my feelings. They have no idea how deeply I feel or how sensitive I am. Jax is one of the few who understands.

As I waited anxiously for him, I realized that he would not come alone. I wouldn't just have to face Jax. I'd have to face Gemma, Clay and a couple of the guys from the MC.

I thought the second I saw Jax I would know whether or not I still loved him. This Jax was the same but different. All I could think of was if Jax were a virus, he would be the lethally hot Ebola. The ten years looked good on him. Gone was the lanky teen body replaced by a hard muscled man's body. The sexy confident way he walked with a swing of his hips was new too. I wasn't sure if I felt love, but I definitely felt lust. What woman wouldn't?

After I gave them the medical information, I was going to bring Jax to see his son. He followed me and told me I didn't have to care for the baby. When our eyes met, I felt warmth spread through my body as if someone had taken a blowtorch to me, my heart beat painfully in my chest and my stomach twisted into knots. It all felt like love.

Jax didn't hate me. That was what I feared most. I hurt him. I threw our relationship away. I left him. I expected some anger or bitterness. Instead, I got kindness. The MC life hadn't turned him into another Clay.

Even at a time like this, and after what I'd done to him, he was concerned about my feelings. He knew it would be difficult for me to deal with his mother. I hadn't parted on the best of terms with her.

When he refused to see his son and left, I wasn't surprised. I've seen other parents do the same thing. They can't bear to see their fragile infant hooked up to all the medical equipment necessary to sustain life.

I knew exactly where Jax was going. He would find the dealer who sold Wendy the crank and he would beat him until someone pulled him off. I saw Clay send Chibs and Bobby to watch his back.

That left me alone with Gemma and Clay and Clay still scared the hell out of me. He reminded me of the snake Mr. Ragwell kept in an aquarium in his classroom. Once during class, everyone noticed a white mouse in the aquarium with the snake. There wasn't a lot of room so the mouse kind of scampered around and on the snake's coils. I expected the snake to kill the mouse right away, but it ignored the mouse. I tried to concentrate on Mr. Ragwell's lecture, but I kept glancing at the snake. Jax nudged me after the snake swallowed the mouse. Fortunately, I missed the actual swallowing and all I saw was the bulge in the snake's body near its mouth. Clay was the snake and I was the mouse. He killed with the same amount of thought the snake gave the mouse.

Gemma was more subtle, but no less dangerous than Clay. She was the power behind the throne. Her ambitions for Jax began and ended with the MC and Charming. She wanted nothing more for him than the presidency of the MC and she would accept nothing less.

I knew Gemma saw me as the girl who tried to derail Jax's destiny and take him away. I was pretty sure she still hated me for it. There was no doubt in my mind that as soon as Gemma learned I was back in Charming she knew I was back for her son. She was afraid I'd try to take Jax away from her again and this time I'd succeed. I did succeed. It just cost me my life.

Getting back to my 16th birthday, I was trying to read my book, but I couldn't focus. I was wondering if Jax were out on a date. Maybe that's why he hadn't stopped by. Just as I was feeling crushing misery because I was sure Jax was out with a girl, there was another knock at my door.

I looked out the peephole expecting to see my neighbor from earlier. Instead, I saw the porch light shining on Jax's bright blonde hair. I thought my heart would explode with happiness. I also had a silly ear to ear grin on my face that I managed to reduce to a smile before I flung open the door. He smiled at me and my master plan to resist him crumbled.

**Next Up Solace**


	5. Chapter 5 Revised

Chapter 5 Revised Solace 17

_**Author's Note I am now doing a recap of the prior chapter to make the story easier to follow.**_

**Chapter 4 Recap**

**Jax rescues Tara from Clay and Gemma and walks her home. They notice a bald man and a dark haired teen boy moving in.**

**Tara and Jax earn high marks on their biology tests. Dan, a student council member, accuses Jax of cheating. Mr. Ragwell, the teacher, makes him apologize. After class, Dan accuses Tara of cheating and Jax forces him to apologize.**

**On Saturday, Tara decides to walk to the Small Mall and treat herself to lunch for her 16th birthday. She makes her master plan for her life. No romance until after medical school and above all else, no falling in love with Jax.**

**When she returns, she discovers her father has left a message on the answering machine wishing her a happy birthday and telling her there's a present for her from her aunt for her birthday. She gave it to Tara's father before flying to Antarctica.**

**Tara cries overcome with feelings of loss and regret for the harsh words she said to her aunt. Instead of crying all day, she makes cupcakes for her father to take to work.**

**The teen from next door knocks on the door, but Tara heeding Jax's warning, doesn't open the door. A later knock at the door, causes Tara to rethink her plan not to fall in love with Jax.**

**Tara's Story**

**Chapter 5 Revised**

_**Solace**_

I can see now that my plan to not fall in love with Jax was always doomed to failure. Foolish sixteen year old me. I really believed I could resist him through force of will. I fought hard to resist him, but who can resist a blonde god of a guy who is also sweet, kind and charming? Falling in love with him was inevitable.

The only way I could have saved myself from falling in love with Jax would have been to leave town in those first few weeks before his hold on my heart became unbreakable and permanent.

"Come on in," I said.

"Thanks. We just got back from a motorcycle show in Arizona. I wanted to come by and check on you."

My heart melted a little. He came by to check on me. That had to mean he cared about me.

That's one of the many things I hated about my teen years; that horrible roller coaster of emotions and analyzing every little thing Jax said or did so I could figure out what was going on with our relationship.

"While you were having fun, I was slaving away in the kitchen," I said, keeping it light.

"Exactly where a woman is supposed to be," he said and grinned this ear to ear grin that had the power to stop my heart.

"That's it for you. I was going to give you a cupcake. They're chocolate with a vanilla almond filling and a chocolate ganache frosting."

Jax looked at the cupcakes in the kitchen and tried to pretend he wasn't impressed.

"Chocolate with filling and chocolate frosting. They're like the cupcakes you get at the convenience store only yours don't have the cute swirls on top."

"How dare you!" I said in mock outrage.

Jax shook his head, still looking at the cupcakes.

"There's only one way for you to prove yourself. A taste test. It's a tough job, but I'm a brave guy. I'll eat one then give you the verdict."

"I guess that's the only way. You want something to drink with that? Milk? Iced tea?"

"Milk would be good."

I got two small plates and put a cupcake on each along with a fork and a napkin. I then poured us each a glass of milk.

"So, what did you do all day besides slaving away in the kitchen?"

"I walked to the Small Mall and got some books. I love reading."

"Remember when I asked if you were a smart girl?"

"Yeah."

"I thought you might have been bragging. I didn't know you were the smartest girl in the class."

"I don't know about that. I probably studied the hardest."

Jax removed the cupcake from its paper liner to make it easier to eat.

He studied the cupcake.

"It gets an "A" in appearance. The cherry in the middle of the cupcake and the slivered almonds scattered across the top win for appearances despite the lack of white frosting swirls."

"For a minute, I was afraid the lack of swirls would cost me in the appearance category," I said.

"I'm trying to be a fair judge."

He took a forkful of cupcake including the filling. He took another bite and then another.

"These cupcakes have more than just a filling. There are cherries."

"That was a surprise."

"Based on memory, I give the convenience store cupcakes a score of 62. Yours are a little hard to gauge but, after much thought, I have decided these are the best cupcakes I've ever eaten."

"It's my aunt's recipe. She took some dessert classes when she went to culinary school. She taught me this recipe on my 12th birthday. Would you like another?"

"You have to ask?"

I gave him another cupcake and then found a plastic container and put six cupcakes in the container and covered it loosely with foil.

"I'll give you these cupcakes if you promise you'll give one to your mother and one to Clay."

"If I give one to my mom, she might hate you even more than she does already because you can out bake her."

"I knew it! She does hate me!"

Jax laughed.

"I'm just teasing you. So, what are you going to do with all those cupcakes?"

"I made them for my father to take to work on Monday."

"That's sweet of you. Are you getting along better?"

I shrugged.

"Not really." We both try, but, unfortunately, we don't try at the same time. He's just immature and self-centered."

"I know how parents can be disappointing. Gemma waited about thirty seconds after my father died before she married Clay. How can you love someone and replace them so quickly?"

"I don't know. I don't get it either. Why do you call your mother Gemma?"

"When she married Clay, it created distance between us. I started thinking of her as Gemma. She's never said a word about it to me."

"Maybe I should start calling my father donor. I wonder what he would say to that."

"Donor?"

"As in sperm donor. That's all he really is. I feel like his roommate and not his daughter."

"It hasn't been that long. Give it some time."

"His band has next weekend off. He promised me that we would spend quality father-daughter time together."

"It sounds like he's trying."

"Yeah. I guess."

Jax looked at me intently.

"What's wrong? I know there's something bothering you."

That was Jax back then. Even though we had known each other only a few weeks, he could sense when something wasn't right with me.

It was an ability I wished he'd still had when I returned to Charming. Maybe I'm not being fair. I'd been gone ten years and I'd gotten better at hiding my feelings.

Death has done little to lessen the anger and bitterness I feel over Jax's desertion when I got charged for murder. I'm trying hard not to let it color my account of our high school days when we were falling in love and happily ever after seemed possible.

I hesitated before I told Jax about my father's phone message. I was afraid I would get emotional and Jax would tire of my emotional instability. I answered his question because he would persist until I told him.

"When I got back from the Small Mall, there was a message from my father. My aunt left a couple of packages with my father for me."

I didn't want to tell Jax it was my birthday. It would just make me feel worse.

"Have you opened them?"

I shook my head.

"Would you like me to stay with you while you open them?"

Jax was so tender and considerate when he spoke to me. He has an amazing heart. He just knew opening the packages could be upsetting.

I know it sounds funny when I say Jax has such a good heart when he has killed people, but he explained it to me. In the outlaw world, breaking the law and physical violence including killing are part of that life. All the players know that. Harming of innocents is frowned on because it brings too much law enforcement heat.

When Jax killed Kohn, it hit him hard. He told me he had never killed someone like that before. It was personal and it wasn't part of his outlaw world.

I have mixed feelings about Kohn's death. I was glad he was dead because he was so mentally unhinged, he was going to keep coming after me until he killed me. What I regret is the emotional price Jax paid.

Just before Jax shot Kohn, he was telling me that if we called the police, Kohn would get charged and would do a couple of years in jail for assault and then he'd get out and he could come after me again. I told him I couldn't go through that and I buried my head in his chest. Kohn called me a slut and Jax shot him.

I don't think he did it because Kohn called me a slut. I think he did it because I practically begged him to do it. Kohn calling me a slut just gave him a little push.

Sorry, I keep getting sidetracked. I'm back to the night of my 16th birthday. I put the box on the kitchen table and opened the larger of the two boxes wrapped in gold. It contained two photo albums. The larger one contained school pictures of me, report cards, pictures of my mother and my aunt. It had taken a lot of work over many years. There was a note written on the first page by my aunt that told me that my mother had started this photo album and she kept it up after my mother's death.

"I didn't even know she made this," I said.

"It's a nice photo album."

Underneath was a smaller album. It had all the recipes she taught me complete with the pictures of our finished desserts. I showed Jax the picture of me with the cupcakes.

"Your aunt must have loved you a lot to spend so much time making this for you."

"That's what she used to always tell me. When you love someone, it isn't about how much money you spend, it's about the thought and time you put into the gift."

"I agree."

I took a deep breath before opening the other box. In it was the novel "Rebecca" by Daphne Du Maurier. Inside the cover, she'd written a note telling me this was her favorite gothic suspense novel. The other book was "Gone with the Wind" by Margaret Mitchell. She also wrote a note in it telling me this was her favorite novel and she wanted me to have the copy that she loved so much.

I'd been stoic about everything. No tears. I fell apart after I'd read the note she'd written inside "Gone with the Wind".

I turned my back to Jax and shut my eyes. I took several deep breaths fighting hard to stay composed and tear free.

I heard Jax get up from the kitchen table and pick up the phone, but I couldn't hear any of the call.

The harder I tried to regain control, the more I cried. I was a crying crazy mess and I was so mad at myself for losing control yet again in front of Jax.

Jax came over to me.

"I'm sorry I'm crying. I'm really not like this."

"Tara, quit saying you're sorry about crying. You lost the only person you loved. You've been forced to live with a father you don't know who hasn't made much effort to be a parent. I still have a hard time dealing with my dad's death."

I nodded not trusting myself to speak.

Jax wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest, so my cheek came to rest on his white T-shirt. He hadn't come straight from the motorcycle show. He smelled heavenly from whatever soap he showered with and his hair was still a little damp.

My mother hugged me three times in my life; once on the day my father left, once on the day she found out she had cancer and once near the end of her life when she told me good-bye.

My aunt hugged me twice; once when my mother died and once when she left me with my father.

It wasn't until Jax wrapped his arms around me, that I realized how much I hungered for physical comfort. His warmth and strength seemed to flow into me, healing me, making me strong. I never knew a hug could feel so good, but I hadn't had much experience.

I don't know how long we stood like that. Forever would have been fine with me. That was a perfect moment. I pressed it into my memory. There are few perfect moments in life.

Jax stayed that night. He had used the phone to call Gemma when I started crying. He didn't tell me what excuse he used to get out of the house overnight.

I didn't protest this time or insist I was fine and he should leave. I decided I would just enjoy being with him.

I shook off my sorrow and we watched DVDs from my father's collection of British dramas and comedy. He had everything from _The Avengers _to_ Monty Python_.

We had so much fun, I began to think that I wasn't such a burden to Jax and that he was staying with me, at least partly, because we had fun together. He was a perfect gentleman, keeping his hands and all other body parts away from mine. We both fell asleep on the couch while we were watching DVDs.

Jax left shortly after I made scrambled eggs for breakfast. He said Clay was supposed to help him work on his motorcycle.

My life had settled down and I was starting to adjust to life in Charming. I had even found a small group of girls to eat lunch with who were also new to Charming. We were sort of the misfits. One had thick glasses, one had bad skin, one was in special education and I was awkward and nerdy. You take your friends where you find them. I was glad to have company at lunch. That was Monday.

Wednesday, everything came crashing down and it happened, of course, in Mr. Ragwell's biology class. He got a call during class that resulted in Jax being sent to the office. That little worm Dan snickered when Mr. Ragwell told Jax.

I had a sick feeling that Jax was in trouble for Friday's hallway incident with Dan. I decided that I would back-up whatever story Jax told.

Class ended and Jax still hadn't returned. I was in an agony of indecision. I didn't know if I should wait or leave. I finally decided to wait at his locker for a few minutes.

Jax appeared when I was in mid-hair tug. I had been working on breaking my habit, but in stressful times, tugging my hair was soothing.

"What happened?"

"They want to expel me for wearing my T-shirt that has "son" on it. They said they have a zero tolerance policy against students wearing gang apparel."

"That's crazy."

"There's going to be a hearing next week in front of the student council. If they decide it's gang apparel, then it gets referred to the school board for action."

"I've never heard of a student council having that much power."

"It's bullshit. If the idiots on student council decide to expel me, the school board would have to then do the formal expulsion."

"I think Dan is behind this."

"I think so too. They will be sending an official letter to my mother. She is going to hit the roof. Clay is going to have to zip tie her to a chair because she will raise hell with the school."

"When's the hearing?"

"A week from Friday."

"Maybe you could tell your mother that you want to fight the expulsion on your own at the school level and if you lose, she can do the fight with the school board."

"She'll never go for that. I think I'll just intercept the letter. I'll tell her if I lose at the council hearing. I'm sure Dan's probably got that all arranged with his little student council buddies."

Suddenly an idea hit me. This was no mere normal idea—this was one of my genius ideas.

And sometimes they do work.

Next Up

CHAPTER 6 Prelude to Anarchy

Jax and Tara draw closer as they plan how they are going to fight his proposed expulsion.

Tara has an unsettling meeting with the next door neighbor—the one who knocked at her door.

Next Up A new chapter of Jax Is Really Alive if you haven't discovered it yet, it's about Tara coming back from the dead, but not as a zombie. She saves Jax and they have all kinds of messy relationship issues to work out and Jax gets competition for the first time for Tara's heart. I will post a new chapter either the first or second week of July. And there's always Strange Times for SAMCRO—it's SAMCRO as a comedy set during season 2. It's back to the good old days when all the guys were together having fun being outlaws.


	6. Chapter 6 Revised

Chapter 6 Revised Prelude to Anarchy 17

**Author's Note I am now doing a recap of the previous chapter to make the story easier to follow. I began with Chapter 1, so if you go to Chapter 2, there will be a recap of Chapter 1. The recaps do contain spoilers for the previous chapter because a recap needs to tell what happened in the prior chapter.**

**Recap Chapter 5 Revised**

**Jax stops by Tara's after returning from a motorcycle show in Arizona. He senses Tara is upset and she confesses her aunt left presents for her. She doesn't tell him it's her birthday. He offers to stay while she opens the presents. Her aunt gave her a scrapbook her mother began keeping for her and her aunt continued. For each birthday, Tara's aunt would teach her a dessert recipe and she put the recipes and pictures together in a second smaller scrapbook. Her aunt also gave her books including her aunt's much loved copy of **_**Gone With the Wind**_**. Tara feels guilty for not reconciling with her aunt before her death. Jax quietly calls Gemma. He stays with Tara, but they keep things platonic. When Jax wraps her in his arms to comfort her, Tara realizes how much she's hungered for physical comfort and how very little she's gotten from her mother and her aunt. Her mother hugged her three times and her aunt her twice.**

**Tara's Story**

**Chapter 6 Revised**

** Prelude to Anarchy**

Jax glanced around the deserted halls.

"You think Dan's still around?"

"He was the first one out the door. I'm sure he's long gone."

"What a coward! I'm stuffing him in his locker tomorrow morning."

"If you do that, you will definitely get expelled. He'll win. You need to beat him at student council. I have a plan. Walk me home and I'll tell you."

"How good is your plan?"

"It's amazing."

"I guess I could walk you home," he said, feigning reluctance.

"It's an impressive plan."

"OK. I'll walk you home, but that plan of yours better be impressive."

"It's not only impressive, it has multiple prongs of attack."

"Multiple prongs of attack, huh? I don't think I've ever used one of those."

"It's a good thing you have me to help you then."

"Yeah, it is," Jax said.

He smiled at me so warmly, I could feel my face redden. That's another thing I hated about my teen years—how easily I blushed.

After we stopped by my locker and started the walk home, I began to outline my plan.

"Do you know anyone in law enforcement who could state there is no gang called 'son'?"

Jax nodded.

"We have a family friend named Wayne Unser. He's the deputy police chief. My mom's known since she was my age. I'm sure I could get him to say that. The trick is to get his help without him telling my mother. I'll figure something out."

"Do any of SAMCRO wear that T-shirt?"

"No. It's really not an MC shirt."

"Where did you get it?"

"My mom got it for me. I don't know where. It was just on my bed and I started to wear it."

"Next, you say it's a personal vendetta. Mr. Ragwell complimented you on your test score. You said you had on your lucky T-shirt and I told you to study before the test. Dan accused you of cheating and Mr. Ragwell made him apologize. We get Mr. Ragwell for that."

"And what are you going to say about what happened after class?"

"Dan came up to me and accused me of cheating on the test with you. You came over, the two of you talked and then he left."

"That's exactly how I remember it."

"I've saved the best for last. I like to think of it as the nuclear option."

I explained the last part of my plan. It was pretty crazy. When I finished, Jax was silent for several seconds before he started laughing.

"It's daring. It could even be historic. Let's call it the Anarchy Option."

"As in SAMCRO?"

He nodded grinning.

"Exactly," Jax said. "It's going to be a beautiful thing."

When we walked past my new neighbor's house, I saw Jax looking at the younger man who was moving boxes from inside the house into the garage. Jax frowned. There was something about this guy that Jax just didn't like.

I decided I wouldn't tell him that the guy had knocked on my door the previous Saturday night.

"Why don't you come by tomorrow and walk to school with me? We can work on strategy."

"You just want to make sure I don't find Dan and put him in a locker."

"Of course not," I said. "I just want the pleasure of your company."

"Yeah right. I'll see you tomorrow morning at 7:30."

"I'll meet you at the corner."

I didn't want to ditch my friends to help Jax. I was never the kind of girl who dumps all her female friends the second there's a guy in the picture. I explained to them that I would be helping Jax at lunch for a few days. Jax charmed them and told them he would need their help in a few days. They all eagerly agreed to help.

"Your friends are different."

"They are the only people who would talk to me. They are all new to Charming and I like them."

I didn't care if my friends weren't popular or perfect looking. One had bad skin, another thick glasses and one was in special ed, but they were loyal and good-hearted, exactly what I wanted in a friend.

"I didn't mean that in a bad way," he said, rubbing my arm. "That's one of the things I admire about you. You see things in people that others don't."

"You admire something about me?" I asked incredulous. I was such an awkward, emotional mess, I couldn't believe there was anything about me that was worth admiring.

"That's what I said."

Jax admired me! My elation was quickly replaced by abject terror. I was afraid I'd lose his admiration. That was yet another thing I'd hated about my teen years. I was always on an emotional roller coaster—the kind that goes upside down a lot.

He introduced me to his friend David Hale. The Charming High version was almost the exact opposite of David Hale, police officer. He hated his first name, so he was always called "Hale". I asked him once why he hated his first name. He said he didn't have a reason, but I discovered "David" was his father's middle name. I've always thought that was the reason.

The law enforcement David Hale had short hair and an immaculate uniform. High school Hale had shaggy shoulder length brown hair and he always wore jeans with a rumpled T-shirt.

Hale was also the biggest and best pot dealer in school. His judge father would definitely not have approved of his son's after school job. For Jax and me, Hale's extensive contacts would prove invaluable.

After biology, Jax and I stayed. Dan was once again the first one out the door. Mr. Ragwell agreed to speak on Jax's behalf with one condition. Jax had to promise that no matter the decision, he wouldn't do anything to Dan. Jax shook Mr. Ragwell's hand and agreed.

Mr. Ragwell handed Jax a large manila envelope and told Jax that he thought he dropped it. He and Jax exchanged looks. It took me a couple of seconds before I understood what was happening. Mr. Ragwell had important information in that envelope for Jax to use at his hearing.

My father worked at the local hardware/lumber store four days per week from 8 am to 6:30 pm with a half hour for lunch. This worked out perfectly for Jax and me. We had the house to ourselves and I didn't have to deal with Gemma and Clay.

We couldn't wait to get my house to see what Mr. Ragwell had given us. Mr. Ragwell had been the student council advisor several years ago and this proved invaluable to us.

According to the information in the envelope, no student had ever fought an expulsion at the student council level, but that wasn't the bombshell. It turned out a student council member could be removed from office by a petition. Mr. Ragwell had even attached copies of the rules and procedures we would need to follow.

To make the recall valid, it needed to have 51% of the number of votes the recalled council member received in the election. Based on Mr. Ragwell's data, Dan received 43 votes. To recall him, we only needed twenty-two signatures.

I was grateful for the apathy of Charming High's student body and its shockingly low voter turnout. Way to go Charming High!

Jax and I decided to quietly circulate a petition to kick Dan off student council. It wouldn't have much impact on Jax's expulsion hearing since Dan was only one vote out of nine but it would be a lot of fun.

After our strategy session, Jax got up to leave.

"One last thing," he said.

He dumped his backpack on the floor and rummaged in it until he found a crumpled brown lunch bag. He opened it and pulled out a package wrapped in a vivid blue or SAMCRO blue as it was known in Charming.

"For you," he said, handing me the gift.

The look on Jax's face when he watched me unwrap his present was the same look he had on his face when he put the engagement ring on Thomas' finger and waited for me to find it. It was such a sweet, happy, excited look that my heart ached.

I unwrapped the present. It was a CD that Jax made me. He'd written my name in beautiful block letters.

"Open the cover."

He'd written a note on the inside of the cover that said he made this CD for me to cheer me up when he couldn't be around. He also wished me a happy 16th birthday.

He had carefully picked sixteen songs from the 1960's to present day. I felt honored that he would spend so much time and effort making his gift.

"Oh . . . Jax . . . It's so perfect."

After I left Charming, I used to listen to the CD and remember. It always ended in tears; it was just a question of how many songs I could get through. Once I got as far as the seventh song The Beatles' "A Hard Day's Night". I used to think of that song when Jax returned after doing something illegal with the MC.

I discovered later that Gemma loved the Beatles. Their songs formed the soundtrack of Jax's childhood. Ironically, his favorite song was "Yesterday" about a woman who leaves.

After Abel was kidnapped by the Irishman, I told Jax that I realized I wasn't supposed to leave Charming. That was wrong. I was always supposed to leave Charming and return when I did.

Jax and I needed time apart to grow into the people we were supposed to be. We couldn't do it together. Leaving Charming, allowed me to grow into a new person and helped me put my unhappy teen years behind me.

If Jax and I hadn't had that separation, we would never have realized just how truly special our love for each other was. Neither of us could find love with anyone else because we were always supposed to be together.

He told me once that he didn't see or remember all the women he'd been with when we were apart because all he saw was me. We had an epic romance, but like all epic romances, it had to end tragically. Would "Romeo and Juliet" be remembered if they had run off together? Or if Scarlett and Rhett had walked off into the sunset hand in hand? Or if Jack climbed up on the block of ice with Rose since there was plenty of room? If there isn't at least one death, it's not an epic romance. With big love, comes big pain.

I hugged him, but I hadn't thought it out and it ended up being clumsy and awkward. Jax wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. All the awkwardness fell away. It was another perfect moment that I pressed into my mind so I could relive it when life went wrong.

"How did you know about my birthday?"

"You aren't as mysterious as you think," he said grinning.

"You scare me."

He laughed and released me.

After he left I was back on that roller coaster. He was starting to mean too much to me. I couldn't imagine what life in Charming would be like without him.

I made a decision then. I would not live in fear wondering when things were going to go wrong between Jax and me. I would live in the moment and deal with the wreckage and emotional devastation after it happened. Or more accurately, I'd try.

My father actually came through with his plan to spend time with me. He gave me a purple bike with an attached basket, a bike lock and a helmet. The bike wasn't new, but it was in good condition. I was glad to have it. It would make it easier to get around on the weekends.

I had told him how much I loved Mexican food so he took me to this place on the outskirts of Oakland that had the most delicious Mexican food. Chicago can keep its hot dogs and deep dish pizza. Give me a taco or a tamale any day.

After lunch, we went to a nearby mall. He gave me some money for shopping and then he went to a movie in the multiplex that was also in the mall.

On the drive home, my father told me that he gave me a lot of freedom because my aunt told him how mature I was. He also told me that he realized he never really grew up. He wanted to play pop/rock music until he died. It was the great love of his life. He knew that wasn't the right attitude for a father to take, but he admitted he hadn't been much of a father.

He suggested our relationship was more brother/sister than parent child. He finished this rambling and confusing conversation by telling me I could have as much freedom as I wanted until I proved I couldn't handle it. And then, there would be rules I'd have to abide by.

I saw the situation a little differently. My father didn't want to grow up. He wanted to pursue his pop/rock dream. I got in the way. That problem was easily solved by letting me do whatever I wanted with minimal parenting. It was kind of like the teens on the cable TV shows that live their TV lives without parents only I didn't get a neatly scripted happy ending.

In real life parents are important. I try not to think about my father's shortcomings as a father. He put a roof over my head and food on the table. He never yelled at me. And at least he wasn't at all like Gemma.

Now, I know that not all abuse leaves physical marks. He was emotionally abusive, unable or unwilling to really be a father to me. I never felt like he truly cared about me. I tried as hard as I could to be the perfect daughter, so he would love me. For years, I blamed myself for my father not loving me.

I now know that his inability to be a loving father had its roots in his addiction to pot and alcohol. It also explained why he had trouble with relationships. He had girlfriends here and there, but he preferred one night stands with "concert girls".

On Monday, I wasn't sure if Jax were going to walk to school with me, so I decided to go to the corner and wait a few minutes.

The younger guy from next door had just walked to his car parked in the driveway.

"Hello, girl next door. What's your name?"

"Tara."

The guy was pretty average looking. He was about an inch or so taller than I was and he had curly dark hair, but it was his black eyes that chilled me.

There was something that wasn't right. I saw a picture of Richard Ramirez known better as "The Night Stalker" on the internet. They had the same eyes. I knew I was being silly and dramatic, but it's better than being part of a serial killer's body count. And something about him also tripped Jax's radar.

"Don't you want to know my name?"

I'd managed to live sixteen years without knowing his name. I was pretty sure I could continue to live without ever knowing his name. I wanted to say that because what teen doesn't want to make a smart aleck comment, but I didn't. I didn't want to antagonize this guy, but I also didn't want anything to do with him.

"What's your name?"

"Jeff Smith."

"It was nice meeting you," I said politely and I began to walk away.

"You want a ride to school?"

"Thanks but I like to walk."

"Too good to ride in my car?"

His car was a big faded blue Chevy with a smashed front bumper.

"I don't have a problem with your car."

"Oh, so your problem is with me then?"

He had instantly become angry and threatening. I'd never seen anyone change moods so quickly.

I'd never really been around someone who was physically angry. My mother and my aunt rarely raised their voices and I don't think my father could find the energy to be angry. After I went to bed, he would start smoking marijuana in his bedroom. He would burn incense in an effort to conceal the distinctive smell, but I wasn't fooled.

"It's not about anything. I'm walking to school," I said and resumed walking. I was shaking inside.

Jax was waiting for me.

"What happened with you and that guy?"

"Nothing," I said but my voice was unsteady. "He wanted to give me a ride to school and I said no."

"Did you ever find out the name of the older man?"

"I think my father said his name was Darby."

Soon I'd come to know that name very well.

**Chapter 7 _Hale's Charming Lesson_**

J**ax and Tara work on his defense and continue to build their friendship. Tara gets to know Hale better and he gives her a short course on the power structure in Charming.**

**Next up for me**

**In two weeks, another chapter to Jax Is Really Alive. I know sci-fi is a tough obstacle for readers. I don't like sci-fi either, but it gives me the ability to bring back characters from the dead, but not in a zombie sort of way. And Jax and Tara get another chance at romance. Who wouldn't want to read about that?**

_**AND AS ALWAYS, PLEASE REVIEW**_


	7. Chapter 7 Revised

14

**TARA'S STORY**

**Author's Note I am now doing recaps at the beginning of each chapter beginning with chapter 1, recapped in chapter 2**

**Recap Chapter 6**

Jax resists the urge to stuff Dan into a locker after finding out the student council wants to expel him for wearing his "son" T-shirt under the school's zero tolerance policy for gang apparel.

Tara outlines a three pronged plan to beat the expulsion using Unser and Mr. Ragwell, the biology teacher. She also has some kind of plan she calls the "anarchy" option, which may or may not be crazy.

Jax introduces her to a very different Hale. High school Hale has long shaggy hair, loves to surf and plans to buy a surf shop in Hawaii financed by profits from his pot dealing. He is going to help Jax beat the expulsion during the anarchy portion of the hearing.

Tara meets her teen-aged next door neighbor, Jeff Smith, who becomes strangely angry when Tara declines an offer of a ride to school. Worse, he reminds her of Richard Ramirez, the Night Stalker who terrorized Southern California in the mid 1980's. She tells Jax the older man's name is Darby.

**Chapter 7 Revised**

_**Hale's Charming Lesson**_

Our father/daughter weekend did bring us closer. I felt less like a hated unwanted roommate and more like a roommate who was merely an inconvenience. Success! Progress! It lasted less than 48 hours.

There was one big success that came out of that weekend, I'd finally convinced my father that despite his belief in Charming's safety, he needed to take security precautions that I needed in order for me to feel safe.

I'm not sure how much of my father's reluctance to keep the doors and windows locked stemmed from his magical belief that Charming was safe and how much of it came from being male. Men don't understand what it's like to be a woman.

My aunt had two friends that had been raped. One was attacked while she was walking to her car after working late. Another was raped by a student at the culinary school she attended with my aunt.

I had also seen countless news reports where a woman wakes up to find an unknown man in her bedroom. These stories never ended well.

I admitted to my father that my concerns might seem extreme, but I needed to feel safe especially since he was gone so much. I told him that the lock on my door didn't lock so I had been using a chair placed under the doorknob positioned so the door couldn't be opened. I didn't want to be the girl on the news who wakes up to find a man in her room.

My father agreed to put in new window and deadbolt locks. He even agreed to a put a deadbolt lock on my bedroom door, so I didn't need to do the doorknob/chair thing anymore.

When Jax insisted on staying with me after my aunt died, it never even entered my head that he would harm me in any way. I'm not a very trusting person, but I trusted him. I felt safe with him.

It's ironic that at the end of my life, I was afraid of him. I thought he was going to kill me and I was going to let him. I just didn't want him to kill me in front of the boys. The only other thing I wanted was to say good-bye to them.

It's hard to believe how out of sync we were at the end. We were so close and in tune when we were teens. On the last day of my life, I thought he was going to kill me when all he wanted from me was to save our kids and be a good mother to them. It still makes me cry when I think of it.

We should have talked things through and worked things out. We could have had a future together and a chance at a happy ending. Jax and I both made mistakes.

Of course, it's easier to see now with some emotional distance, but I had become so focused on getting the kids away from Gemma I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't let her poison the boys like she did Jax. I had to save the boys and in the end, that was what mattered the most to me—protecting my boys.

I never felt protected when I was with my father. He was not physically imposing. I was at least an inch taller and he had a slight build similar to Mick Jagger or a singer in a boy band. He had dark brown hair layered into a mullet, but in fairness to him, the front was only an inch shorter than the back, so it looked OK.

My father just seemed too mellow to be taken as a physical threat. He also wouldn't want to hurt his hands because he couldn't play the guitar. If someone broke in, I would have to protect him.

We spent Sunday installing all the new door and window locks. My father admitted over the years he'd given out so many keys to the doors, he no longer remembered who had keys. He promised not to give anyone else a key without talking to me about it first.

I really felt like we had turned a corner in our relationship and that we might be able to actually be a family.

Monday night, my father took the trash out to the curb and struck up a conversation with Darby. Around nine, he came back in, grabbed a six pack of beer and told me he'd be back in a couple of hours. I reminded him to bring his house key and to be sure to lock the door behind him when he returned. I often felt like a parent to my father and that was one of those times.

My father had decided we should eat dinner together twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He would cook on Tuesdays and I would cook on Thursdays.

That Tuesday, my father called me at home and asked me to take the lasagna out of the freezer and put it in the oven, so it would be done when he came home from work. Even on my father's day to cook, I did the cooking.

In the spirit of family harmony, I made a salad and got garlic bread ready to broil. I even set the table.

That night over dinner, my father told me how wonderful Darby and his nephew Jeff were. He even suggested Jeff would make a great boyfriend for me and he thought Jeff already liked me!

When I told him I thought Jeff was creepy, he accused me of being stuck up. I expected my father to side with me over a stranger. So much for family harmony.

My father went over to Darby's later with more beer. I went to my room and locked the door. That set the pattern for the week.

At least school provided a break from my frosty home life. Hale and I worked together on the anarchy part of Jax's expulsion hearing. He provided a lot of background info on Jax and Charming that was an eye opener for me.

He told me he first met Jax when he was five and three big kids were trying to take his skateboard when Jax and his best friend Opie rode up on their bikes and helped Hale. (Opie wasn't at school. Jax would later tell me that Opie was in a state camp for a mix up with a car. I think, reading between the lines, Opie got locked up for stealing a car.)

The other kids may have been bigger, but Jax and Opie were good fighters even at that young age. Hale kept his skateboard and the older kids ended up running away crying.

Later when Hale was just starting out with his after school job, as he called his herbal sales, three guys tried to rip him off. Jax came along and helped him. The guys made off with some cash and product, but Hale believed the guys were going to kill him and Jax saved his life.

He then got out a sheet of notebook paper and explained how things worked in Charming. He drew three circles; small, medium and large. The circles represented the people who had power. He wrote "Hale" in the small circle and told me his father was a judge. His mother belonged to one of the first two families who settled Charming. That still meant a lot in Charming.

In the medium sized circle he wrote the name "Oswald". They were easily the wealthiest family in Charming. They were also the second family to settle Charming. Most of their wealth came from land until Elliot Oswald began branching out into various businesses including the manufacturing of farm equipment. The businesses prospered and he had gained power.

In the remaining large circle, he wrote "SAMCRO". He told me of the deal that had been made over Charming. SAMCRO would keep Charming a small safe little town and, in return, the police would turn a blind eye to all their criminal enterprises. I guess that explained why the police didn't get a circle of power on Hale's notebook paper visual aid.

He also educated me about motorcycle clubs including the patches worn on the cuts. He told me that two part patches were worn by most clubs, but 1% or the "1%ers" wore a three part patch and they operated outside the law and were called outlaw clubs. I was surprised to find out that SAMCRO was an outlaw club.

I just remembered feeling shocked but more than a little excited. Here I was boring Tara Knowles who always follows all the rules and I discover my friend Jax's father leads the most powerful group in Charming and it just happened to be an outlaw motorcycle club.

I actually thought it was cool. I could get glimpses into a world I'd never normally see. I was a naïve sixteen year old. I had no idea the MC's criminal enterprises were so violent and deadly.

I think Hale misread my reaction to the news about the true nature of SAMCRO and thought I had a crush on Jax. He told me that every girl in high school eventually falls in love with Jax. He added that it would pass.

I thanked him for the information but I made it clear that I didn't have a crush on Jax and that we were only friends. I worried that somehow I was giving people the impression that I had a crush on Jax. I didn't want Jax to think that.

Now, even if it had been true, I wouldn't have wanted him to know. It would make me feel like a loser. The only guy that talks to me and I fall in love with him. It was pathetic and humiliating. Most of all, I was afraid that if he thought I had a crush on him he might back away from me.

Hale even divulged that he wasn't selling pot to buy harder drugs or as an act of rebellion against his family. He just wanted to get out of Charming after high school; a desire I shared.

His family went to Hawaii at least once a year. Hale fell in love with surfing. He wanted to move to Hawaii, open a surf shop or buy an existing one and spend his days in paradise. It would take a lot of money to make his dream come true.

When I think about Hale, it's bittersweet. I remember the surfer guy from high school and the intense cop that I met when I returned to Charming. I've always missed the surfer that dreamed of owning a surf shop and spending his days surfing. He died so tragically getting hit and dragged under a van at Half-Sack's wake.

I remember laughing when he told me never used pot because he didn't want to dip into his profits and the one time he did try it, he hated it. Poor Hale.

After school on Thursday, Jax came home with me and we went through the hearing one last time. He asked me if we could have a slumber party Friday night to celebrate our victory. Gemma and Clay were celebrating their wedding anniversary by flying to San Francisco early Friday morning and returning late Sunday, so it would be easy for him to get away.

I quickly agreed to the slumber party. I was really excited. Finally, Jax and I would be spending a lot of time together and I wasn't having an emotional meltdown. He would bring dinner and I would make the snacks.

The silly superstitious side of me worried that planning a victory slumber party might be bad luck. Jax refused to consider the possibility that he might lose. He had complete faith in our plan—even the anarchy portion which I was beginning to have serious doubts about.

I knew Jax's position was correct, but being on the right side doesn't mean the right verdict would be made. And it's California, so rational thought . . . well . . . who knows . . .

The situation with my father was frosty, but he came up with a way to warm it right up that night. He told our wonderful neighbors that he leaves me alone on the weekend so they can watch out of me. He was actually proud of himself for thinking this up.

I stared at him speechless. I lost it. For the first time in my life, I was so mad at someone I wanted to do physical harm. Instead, like modern parenting advocates, I used my words.

I told him he was a moron and I suggested that he should send out evites to everyone in town on the sex offender registry telling them his underage daughter would be home alone. Good times for me!

I added that he didn't even know the neighbors and who knows how many people they could have told I was alone on the weekends.

He just stared at me blankly as though I were speaking a foreign language. He finally made a weak attempt to counter by pointing out that Charming isn't like Chicago and the people weren't like the ones in Chicago.

I don't know if he thought kidnappers, pedophiles, rapists and murderers were magically transformed when they stepped inside Charming's city limits. Honestly, I don't know if he ever thought. His head always seemed to be in the clouds. If he'd been a woman, he would have been called an airhead.

I suggested if he smoked less pot, he'd start to see reality. I finished by telling him to grow up and then I stormed off to my room.

If I stayed, the fight would have just escalated and I would have said terrible but true things to him. He simply had no idea what the world is like.

My father didn't knock on my door or make any attempt to talk to me. It was good that he would be gone this weekend. Maybe my anger would cool.

I slipped a note under his door before I left for Jax's hearing. It wasn't a very nice note. I told him that I hated that he stuck up for the neighbors over me. I also told him that he could have put me in danger by telling two men he doesn't know that he's leaving me alone on the weekend. I finished by speculating that his poor judgment was due to beer, pot, stupidity or a combination of the three. How's that for using my words?

If I had been calmer or a little more mature, I wouldn't have been that harsh, but that note was the mildest of the ten versions I'd written.

Jeff had been hanging around his car at the same time that I walked to meet Jax on the corner every morning. He always said good-morning and looked me up and down like he was trying to figure out what I looked like under my clothes. I think he did it deliberately not because he liked me, but because he knew it irritated me. He wouldn't be there that morning. We had to leave an hour early for the hearing.

The high school student council held its morning meeting upstairs. The classroom had two accordion doors that formed the two side walls. The walls had been pushed back, tripling the classroom space. Jax looked at the room arrangement and nodded at Hale. That had been one of his jobs. The doors opened and closed using a key to lock them into position. It had been up to Hale to either get a key or get someone to lock the doors open. Hale used his after school job to get people to help him get things done, so I was pretty sure, he'd given some pot to the person who opened the doors.

As I was pulling manila envelopes out of my backpack, I just realized why Mr. Ragwell had given us all the information on student council. I couldn't believe that I hadn't seen it before. Mr. Ragwell's point wasn't to kick Dan off student council. I needed to think fast on my feet and change what I planned to say.

How could I have not seen it before?

**Next Up:**

**Dan's Very Bad Morning or**

**Look at What Ima's Wearing**

The expulsion hearing begins with Tara speaking to the student council.

**Next up for me- I did this chapter early because I didn't do much re-writing. **

**In two weeks, I'll post a long chapter for Jax is Really Alive. I've been laying the ground in that story for a big change that will be focused more on plot developments than on Jax and Tara trying to figure out their relationship. And there will be a very big twist. Actually, two big twists.**

**Author's Note**

**For anyone that's curious, (and there's probably no one, but who knows?)Opie isn't in the story yet because I wanted to create a hole in Jax's life. It's one of the reasons he and Tara bonded so quickly.**

_**And as always please review.**_


	8. Chapter 8 Revised

18

**Tara's Story**

**Recap Chapter 7**

Tara gets to know high school Hale who is very different from adult Hale. He is a mellow surfer who is the school's best pot dealer. He dreams of owning a surf shop in Hawaii and his drug dealing is to finance that dream.

He explains Charming's power structure. His family is third most powerful thanks to his father's position as a judge in Charming's court system. The Oswald family is second most powerful because they are the wealthiest and have several businesses in the city. The most powerful person surprises Tara because it's Jax's stepfather, Clay Morrow as president of the Sons of Anarchy.

Hale explains the motorcycle club patch system to Tara. A three part patch means the club is an outlaw motorcycle club. Tara is excited that Jax is from an outlaw MC family. She naively thinks it's cool. She has no idea the violence and danger that go with being a member of an outlaw MC.

Tara and her father have a nice weekend together. He gives her several gifts in celebration of her belated birthday including a bicycle. He installs new door and window locks so she feels safer when he leaves her alone on the weekends.

All the good will between father and daughter is lost when he tells her that he told Darby and his nephew Jeff that he leaves her alone every weekend, so they can keep an eye on her. She's furious because she feels he's placed her in danger.

Just minutes before Jax's expulsion hearing, Tara realizes she misunderstood the meaning of Mr. Ragwell's information and has to scramble and to make last minute changes.

**Chapter 8 **_**Dan's Very Bad Morning **_

_**or Look at What Ima's Wearing**_

I wasn't nervous or frightened at having to speak at Jax's expulsion hearing. I know most people fear public speaking, but the way I see it, public speaking almost never ends in death, even in Charming.

I am not a particularly brave person. There was a time that I was so fearful and behaved with such cowardice, I've never told anyone the truth about it until now.

After Cameron killed Half Sack (season 2 last episode), I thought he was going to slide his knife into my belly, ripping not only my life from me but that of my baby's as well.

I thought about taking a chair and trying to hit him with it, but I was afraid a violent fight might harm Abel who was sitting on the kitchen counter in his infant carrier.

Instead, I appealed to Cameron by reminding him that I risked my medical career to save his life after he was shot by the Mayans. I added that killing a person could be forgiven, but murdering a baby would damn him to hell for eternity and he would never see his son again. I suggested he tie me up and leave. He agreed.

While he was tying me up in the nursery, I had the perfect opportunity to attack him. Abel was safe in his infant carrier in the kitchen. I didn't have to worry about injuring him in a fight.

He told me that he wouldn't hurt Abel or me because I saved his life. I wanted to believe him and I didn't want to fight him. He was stronger and he had a knife and a gun. I wouldn't have much chance in a fight and my death wouldn't help Abel.

When he said he wouldn't hurt Abel, I thought that meant he would leave him alone. I shouldn't have trusted the Irishman. He told me what I wanted to believe. I should have known that he was going to take Abel. I should have done something to stop him. I should have at least _tried_. Instead, I did absolutely _nothing_.

The sound of Abel crying in the high pitched fretful tone he used when he was scared broke my heart because I couldn't go to him and comfort him. His cries stopped when the front door was slammed shut; that's when I realized the Irishman had taken him.

I was haunted by how cowardly I'd behaved with Cameron. I told Jax that I thought he blamed me for Abel's abduction. That was my guilt speaking. I didn't really think he blamed me, but I needed to hear him say he didn't blame me. He blamed Abel's kidnapping on SAMCRO's dealing guns with the Irish. I took comfort in his words, but I still felt like a coward.

Jax was crushed by Abel's kidnapping. I didn't know how to help him, but Clay and SAMCRO knew what to do. It was heartening to see how the MC rallied around Jax. Clay used a mix of tough love and compassion to help Jax focus on what he needed to do. It's easy to forget that Clay actually did have some good in him before his greed ruined him.

Gemma, of course, blamed me for not preventing Cameron from taking Abel. She also guessed that I was pregnant. I told her I hadn't decided what I was going to do about the pregnancy.

When I left Jax at nineteen, I was too young to think about having a baby. During the ten year separation, I never found love and I never felt the desire to have a baby.

As a neonatal surgeon, I was always around babies. I thought that fulfilled any maternal desire I might have had for a baby. And then I returned to Charming and witnessed Abel's birth. That turned my world upside down.

I loved Abel from the first moment I saw him because he was part of the man I was pretty sure I still loved. When I saw Jax walking down the hospital hall towards me for the first time, I knew I'd made the right decision to come back to Charming.

Watching Jax with Abel, made me love him even more. I felt like Abel was also a part of me. For the first time in my life, I wanted a family of my own, but I wanted it with Jax and Abel. Maybe I was a little delusional because I truly believed Jax and I could have kids and be a real family and live happily ever after. We got the happily ever after part. We just didn't get the living part.

Thomas wasn't the result of an accident, a mistake or carelessness. The first time Jax and I were intimate, after Kohn's death, we didn't take precautions against pregnancy. The next morning I thought about going to the pharmacy and getting the morning after pill. It's easy. No prescription necessary. I didn't do it because I wanted a baby with Jax.

My pregnancy was inevitable. I didn't lie, trick or mislead him. He knew I wasn't using birth control and he made the decision not to use condoms. That's a recipe for a baby.

The men of SAMCRO are better brothers than fathers or husbands. I knew that even if Jax and I managed to stay together, I would still have to do most of the parenting. I had a good job, so I could afford childcare. I'd been raised by a single parent. I never knew what it was like to have a father and I'd turned out mostly OK. And I loved Thomas from the moment I discovered I was pregnant, but I was so torn up by my failing Abel.

Jax wears his emotions on the outside, while I keep mine hidden. Outwardly I appeared calm, but inside, I was in a constant state of terror fearing that Cameron would sell Abel to a black market adoption ring, or worse, abandon him in a vacant building or field where he would die a slow agonizing death.

When the club got the picture of Abel in Canada with Cameron, I still worried. It wasn't until Maureen Ashby called Gemma with the news that Abel was safe in Belfast that I felt some relief.

I decided to terminate my pregnancy. It wasn't because Jax and I had split up or because he slept with Ima (yes, the one from high school). I could have left Charming and raised the baby on my own.

I was filled with so much self-hatred for not doing more to save Abel, I didn't think I deserved a baby. I had this overwhelming need to punish myself and there could be not greater punishment than to lose the baby I wanted. This was a confused, chaotic time in my life when I wasn't thinking clearly and a lot of the time, I was just reacting.

I'm sure Margaret thought my pregnancy was a mistake. I think that's why she was so insistent she drive me to the clinic; she figured it would be harder for me to change my mind if she were with me. I don't know if I would have gone through with the procedure if we hadn't been kidnapped. I just know that I felt it was a privilege to be Thomas' mother even if it had been for such a short time.

I did find a measure of redemption when Margaret and I were kidnapped. When Salazar's girlfriend let me use the bathroom, I took advantage of the opportunity to obtain a weapon. I broke the mirror and used a piece of the glass to attack her. I was scared but I believed if I hadn't injured her, Margaret and I would be killed.

We were almost at the front door when Salazar returned. I made a deal with him. I would provide medical help to his girlfriend in exchange for letting Margaret go. I couldn't save his girlfriend. She bled to death.

I felt Kohn's killing, but I didn't feel anything when Salazar's girlfriend died. I had to do it to save Margaret and me. It was that simple. I never gave it a second thought. I was becoming immune to killing .

When I couldn't save her, I expected Salazar to kill me. Instead, he took me to Jacob Hale's office and took him hostage. Salazar claimed he would let me go in exchange for Jax. Of course, that wasn't his real plan. He was going to kill us both.

I love Jax's courage. I knew he would walk into Salazar's trap to save me. He has such confidence in his ability to get out of a bad situation. After a brief fight, Salazar ran out of Hale's office. Jax took Salazar's gun and shoved it into my hands after kissing me and ran after Salazar. I knew Salazar would be leaving in a body bag. Salazar's hatred of Jax was so deep, death was the only cure.

A short time later, I got checked out at the hospital and we could hear the baby's heartbeat. It was the circle of life Charming style.

If Abel hadn't been kidnapped, Jax wouldn't have gone to Ireland and Maureen Ashby wouldn't have sent JT's letters home with Jax for me to find. And I wouldn't have made the defining mistake of my life.

When I found Maureen Ashby's note and JT's letters, I automatically began to read them. I needed a distraction. I was traumatized by having just seen Jax led away in handcuffs with members of the MC threatening to kill him for ratting to Stahl. The smart play would have been to destroy the letters, but I wasn't thinking. I was just reacting.

It wasn't until I left life, that I was able to see the enormity of my mistake with the letters. It cost so many their lives including Clay, Gemma and even me. More about that later. I'm not ready to face how my mistakes with JT's letters caused so much far reaching destruction.

Back in high school on the morning of Jax's expulsion hearing, standing in front of Charming High's student council, I wasn't the mistake prone Tara of my future or the emotional wreck of my past; I was calm and confident.

The eleven student council members sat along the front of the classroom. The advisor was a history teacher in his mid-fifties.

"My name is Tara Knowles," I said, stepping to the podium.

Dan jumped to his feet.

"She can't speak. She isn't on the agenda."

"I'm a new student so that makes me invisible here. Charming High doesn't welcome anyone new, but a new student has the same rights as every other student," I paused and took a quick glance at Jax. He was trying not to smile, but the corners of his lips were tilted up. This beginning part was something I had just thought up. "In accordance with Rule 144 subsection "J", a student may bring a recall petition to student council at any time. I'm a student. This is any time."

The president was a broad shouldered thick necked senior who looked like he lifted weights. He looked at the advisor who whispered something to him.

"Continue," the president ordered banging his gavel.

"In accordance with Rule 246 subsection "F", I am presenting the original petition plus copies. I have almost three times the number of signatures required.

"All the signatures conform to the relevant rules. In addition, thanks to cell phone cameras, each person who signed the petition has been photographed holding up their student body ID card and the petition showing the signature.

"The recall petition is for Dan. Invisible doesn't mean powerless. It's the first and hopefully . . . the last recall petition."

I couldn't believe it had taken me so long to understand the beauty of Mr. Ragwell's strategy. He had given us the information about recalling a student council member. It wasn't about recalling Dan. It was the threat to the other council members. I had just demonstrated how easy it was to kick someone off the student council. Their council seats weren't secure. If the decision on Jax's expulsion wasn't favorable to him, they would each face recall.

Dan had Jax's hearing fixed, but kicking him off student council shifted the power. They could either stay loyal to Dan or they could stay on student council. They couldn't do both.

I handed a large manila envelope filled with the original petition and two envelopes with copies to the president.

Dan was stunned. Our strategy of asking students who weren't popular helped us keep our secret. He kept shaking his head from side to side like a dog with an ear infection. He was clearly having trouble dealing with what was happening to him.

"This is a joke. It's all fake. You made it up."

"That's not true. Also, the rules are clear that once a petition is turned in, the student council rep subject to recall must be removed from office immediately pending the petition's verification."

There was a brief recess as all the council went into a huddle.

Once again, the president brought his gavel down.

"It is ordered that Dan is removed from student council pending a final ruling on the recall petition," he said.

Dan crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me defiantly.

"He must be physically removed. He can't continue to sit with the student council."

"Dan, get up and either leave or have a seat in the audience," the advisor said.

The word audience was an overstatement. Hale and Jax were it. Mr. Ragwell and Wayne Unser were standing in the back waiting to give their statements.

"You haven't heard the last of this," Dan hissed at me as he passed me, while I was still standing at the podium.

"I'd like it noted on the record that Dan threatened me. That's against Rule 153 subjection "Z". One student can't threaten another."

"Noted. We'll set that for a hearing and notify you both," the advisor said.

"Thank you. That concludes my portion of the proceedings," I said. I returned to my seat in between Jax and Hale.

"You were perfect," Jax whispered softly, his lips close to my ear sending shivers up and down my spine.

"Great job," Hale whispered.

"Thanks," I said.

When Hale whispered in my ear, I felt absolutely nothing. More and more I was beginning to suspect my feelings for Jax weren't platonic. OK. I wasn't beginning to suspect my feelings for Jax weren't only platonic. I had that suspicion practically from the minute I met him. I was just fighting it. I wanted my feelings to obey my brain.

Last night, I went over what I was going to say before I went to bed. I'd been doodling on a piece of notebook paper and then I noticed I'd been writing "Tara Teller", "Tara Knowles-Teller", and "Mrs. Teller" over and over again. I ripped up the paper into tiny pieces and flushed them in batches down the toilet. I didn't want to take a chance Jax would somehow see them. It was a crazy way to think, but there were times, during my teenage years, when I wasn't sure I was sane.

Murdering me wasn't enough for Gemma. She denied me my identity. After Jax got jailed on a probation violation for being a felon in possession of a gun right after my death, Gemma planned my funeral.

I didn't care about the service or the flowers. It was the gravestone that mattered to me. It said, "Loving Wife and Mother". Nothing personal. I wanted it to say, "Loving Wife to Jax and Loving Mother to Abel and Thomas".

That wasn't the worst. My gravestone had my name as "Tara Grace Knowles". She'd stripped my life from me _and_ my name. I wanted "Teller" added to my gravestone underneath my birth names. "Teller" was my name when I died. It belonged on my gravestone. Gemma couldn't even give me that small crumb of comfort after brutally killing me. And yes, it still makes me angry when I think about it.

I've gotten off track again. Back to my high school days and Jax's expulsion hearing.

"The expulsion hearing against Jackson Teller is now open. Are you prepared to present your case?" the president asked.

Jax moved to the podium.

"Yes. I have asked Mr. Ragwell to make a statement," he said.

While I watched Jax's expulsion hearing, I didn't doodle anything. I was afraid my subconscious would send signals to my brain and I'd start doodling inappropriate names again.

I'd been to so many schools, I could spot all the cliques. Jax was unique. He didn't have one specific group. He had various groups of friends, but he steered clear of the popular crowd, except, of course, the girls. He was the ultimate cool guy. Everyone knew him or knew his name, but he followed his own path.

As Mr. Ragwell recounted the incident between Jax and Dan, it became obvious from the expressions on the faces of the student council that Dan didn't tell them about the incident in biology that led to his attempt to get Jax expelled.

Dan slumped deeper and deeper into his seat. He clearly never expected the counterattack we mounted. He should have been smart enough to know that Jax Teller wouldn't go down without a fight.

When Mr. Ragwell completed his statement, the student council didn't ask him any questions. He got up from the witness chair and walked to the back of the classroom.

Wayne Unser, deputy police chief, spoke next. He was about halfway through his explanation about gangs and the types of apparel they wore when Ima walked in.

She was wearing a long trench coat, which seemed out of place because it wasn't raining or cold and most students put their coats in their lockers. She took a seat two rows away from where Hale and I sat.

"Do you think she's up to something?" I asked Hale.

"Oh, yeah. She's definitely up to something. Don't worry. She isn't very smart. It will be OK."

Deputy Unser went through the names of all the various gangs in the area pointing out that none of them were named "Son" and Charming didn't have any gangs in it.

"Of course he's going to say that," Dan whined. "He's friends with Teller's family."

"I'm a law enforcement officer. Are you accusing me of lying?" Unser demanded.

"You aren't under oath."

"Are you accusing me of lying?" Unser fixed Dan with a stern look.

"Uh . . . well . . . not exactly," Dan stammered.

"I want an apology. Now," Unser demanded.

I think Dan did the math then, figuring out that as soon as he got his driver's license, he would rack up a lot of traffic tickets if he didn't make nice with Unser.

"I'm sorry," Dan mumbled.

Just as with Mr. Ragwell, the student council had no questions for Deputy Police Chief Unser.

We had come to the last prong of the attack. I think we had put on a strong case. We didn't need the anarchy option, but the momentum was too strong. It was going to happen.

Jax returned to his seat and retrieved another envelope from his backpack.

I noticed Ima had ducked down from view. When she stood up, she wasn't wearing the trench coat anymore. She was wearing a real-life, 100% authentic, complete nun's habit including the hat or veil, a large cross necklace, rosary beads and clear plastic high heels, commonly referred to as stripper heels.

I remember hearing a saying about snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I was afraid that was going to happen to us.

**Next Up** **Anarchy Comes to Charming High**

**How Ima came to have a nun's habit is revealed.**

**Anarchy comes to Charming High**

**Jax's expulsion hearing concludes**

**Next Up for Me**

**A short chapter for Tara's Story next week.**

**Also, if you haven't read Jax Is Really Alive give it a try**

**Also, there's Strange Times for SAMCRO—it's SOA done as a comedy.**


	9. Chapter 9 Revised

14

**Tara's Story**

**Recap Chapter 8**

Tara reflects on fear and the time when Abel was kidnapped. She regrets not doing more to save him. She hates herself so much, she decides she doesn't deserve to be a mother. That's why she was going to have an abortion when she was pregnant with Thomas, although she really wanted to have a baby with Jax.

Going back to her high school days, Tara presents a petition to remove Dan from student council and makes the underlying threat that Dan might not be the last person recalled from student council if the verdict doesn't go Jax's way.

Jax begins his defense by making the allegation that the expulsion was a personal vendetta because he had done better on a biology exam than Dan. Mr. Ragwell gives a statement followed by Unser who explains there is no gang named "son" and there are no gangs in Charming.

Just as it looks like everything is going his way, Ima comes in wearing a trench coat. She strips off the trench coat to reveal she's wearing an authentic nun's habit with stripper heels.

**Chapter 9 Anarchy Comes to Charming High**

Jax looked Ima up and down from the bright blonde hair hastily tucked into the veil, to the hem of the black habit, to her mother's borrowed stripper heels without a change of expression.

"At least she doesn't look pregnant," Jax said.

"Not this time," Hale added and they both laughed.

"She's done this before?" I asked incredulously.

"Oh, yeah," Jax said.

"Halloween. Only she used a pillow to make herself look pregnant," Hale said.

"It doesn't look like a costume," I said.

"It's the real deal," Hale said.

Jax grabbed a folder out of his backpack and returned to the podium.

My stomach was in knots. I'd never thrown up before due to stress, but there was always a first time.

It had just occurred to me that if the anarchy portion of this was a disaster, this could go on my permanent record. What if that kept me out of college? I'd never get out of this hellish little town.

The skeptic in me wondered if that whole permanent record thing was an urban myth perpetuated by teachers to keep kids in line. Did colleges really have the time to read tens of thousands of permanent records?

What exactly was meant by permanent? Was permanent forever? Or were the records destroyed after a certain number of years? Should I worry that my great grandchildren would read mine someday? Maybe the records would be digitized and put on the internet where they would stay forever. _Why hadn't I thought of all this before?_

I have to confess that I admired Ima for having the nerve to wear a nun's outfit to school. I would never have that much courage. I also gave her high marks for being able to walk in stripper heels.

I wondered what her permanent record looked like. It would easily be the most interesting one at Charming High, especially if it included her time at Our Lady of Perpetual Hope Catholic high school. She'd spent almost two weeks there when she was fifteen.

I never got to know or wanted to know Ima. We never had a conversation longer than a sentence or two, but I knew a lot about her because she loved to brag about her exploits and people loved to gossip about her.

According to Jax, Ima's mother worked at the Jelly Bean Lounge—the same Jelly Bean Lounge that Jax, Opie and Clay met Putlova at on the day Opie married Lyla. Even back in Ima's mother's day, it was a dark, grimy, run down place that reeked of urine and sweat.

The strippers were women who didn't have the face or body to work at an upscale gentlemen's club or even a mediocre strip club. Most of them also lacked dance skills. This was the bottom of the stripper career ladder.

Ima's mother met Ima's father at the club. He was the owner of one of Charming's storage locker facilities. They married shortly after meeting. Ima was an only child, which showed that her parents learned from their mistakes. She was a terror right from the start.

At fifteen, she was drinking and sneaking out of the house to meet high school guys. Her parents had been threatening her with Catholic school for over a year. Eventually, they realized empty threats wouldn't work, so they enrolled her in Catholic school.

Ima's parents weren't Catholic, but it was the only private school in Charming. They both had friends who had gone to Catholic school and been terrified by the nuns. Ima's parents were confident the nuns could straighten out their daughter.

There was just one problem: Ima hadn't been raised Catholic so she had no fear of nuns. In fact, she terrorized them.

For the first few days, all seemed well. Ima's parents were congratulating themselves on their great parenting skills. And then, all hell broke loose.

It started when one of the nuns noticed Ima's unusual method of crossing herself. She only used her middle finger. When this was pointed out to her, Ima tried to look innocent. She apologized and appeared contrite, but she continued crossing herself with only her middle finger. She was given detention, but she simply refused to go.

Ima made her history teacher, Mr. Dennin, a nervous wreck by staring at his crotch, looking him in the eye and then licking her lips. She would continue this cycle throughout the class. He got so rattled, he dropped his dry erase markers, knocked books off desks and tripped over his own feet.

Ima drew inspiration from Sharon Stone in _Basic Instinct_. She went to the bathroom and emerged with the back of her skirt "accidentally" tucked into her underwear—a nude thong.

The girls laughed and the boys whistled and made suggestive comments. The nun that saw her almost had a heart attack.

Ima wasn't book smart, but she was cunning. She knew the nuns were powerless because she wasn't afraid of them. They couldn't beat her to force her to comply with their rules. They could call her parents, but that wouldn't do any good. Her parents were sending her to Catholic school because they couldn't control her. The more detention they gave her, the more classes she cut.

As the assistant principal lectured her about proper underwear, Ima smirked at her. At one point, the nun was so angered by Ima's insolence; she was going to slap her. Ima told her if she laid a hand on her, she would file criminal charges for assault and battery. That stopped her.

Ima was told her underwear would be monitored. She had to report to the office every morning for inspection. She was also reprimanded for not going to detention and received additional detention.

The school didn't want to kick Ima out. They wanted to bend her to their will; prove that even the most difficult students could be made to obey.

Ima's parents were frantic. They got calls from the school every day and Ima just shrugged off everything they said to her. They couldn't believe that Catholic school actually caused more behavior problems with their daughter.

The underwear incident wasn't the only problem Ima created that day. During a religion class, Ima discovered that the nuns were married to Christ and that's why they wear wedding bands. She began to ask questions that weren't respectful. She wanted to know who had the idea to marry the nuns to Jesus. She wanted to know why the priests didn't have to marry anyone. She wanted to know how the nuns knew Jesus wanted to marry them. She wanted to know if Jesus were a polygamist since he was marrying all the nuns. Her next question used the words "Jesus", "nuns" and "sex" in the same sentence.

The nun in charge of the class did an admirable job of maintaining her composure until the last question. That's when she lost it. She berated her. Through all the screaming, Ima had that smirk on her face.

The next morning, when Ima failed to go to the office for her required underwear inspection, Sister Mary Margaret, the principal of the school, decided it was time to put the fear of God into Ima. That meant a private one on one meeting.

Sister Mary Margaret was a terrifying sight. She was a tall, big boned woman with cold dark eyes. Students had been known to throw up or wet themselves if they were called to her office. One student even hyperventilated and the paramedics had to be called. The nuns were even afraid of her and did their best to avoid her wrath.

Sister Mary Margaret instructed that Ima be shown into her office to wait. She must have thought that a few minutes alone in her office would soften Ima up so she would be more receptive.

Ima grabbed a piece of paper from the principal's desk and wrote a note on it that read something like: "Jesus called. He wants a divorce and his ring back. He also called me home. Bye, bitch, lots of evangelical love, Ima". She left the note in the middle of the desk.

She opened the window, kicked out the screen and was just about to climb out the window when she spotted the dry cleaning bags hanging on the back of the door. She dashed to the door, grabbed one of the bags containing a habit complete with veil, stuffed it in her large tote bag and climbed out the window.

Two girls saw her escape and said they were going to tell on her. Ima punched one and grabbed the other by the hair and spit in her face. And, for no reason, she knocked a boy's science project/ant farm out of his hands sending it crashing to the sidewalk, scattering glass, ants and dirt everywhere.

The boy was frantically trying to gather up his ants when Ima gave him a sight he would never forget. She stood with her back to the school. She bent over, flipped up her little Catholic schoolgirl plaid skirt and mooned the school. She also revealed she would have failed that morning's underwear inspection because she wasn't wearing any.

The school would claim that they determined that Ima was too disruptive to remain at the school. They would never admit they failed to "fix" her.

When Ima's mother went to the school to clean out her daughter's locker, one of the nuns surreptitiously slipped the name and phone number of an exorcist into her hand.

Ima told her parents she would go back to public school and she would try to pass her classes. Her parents called this success. The only loser was Sister Mary Margaret who was out a habit.

Ima's name was never uttered again at Our Lady of Perpetual Hope. She was the school's greatest failure, so, of course, she was secretly admired for standing up to the nuns.

She wore the stolen habit on Halloween to mock all those who feared nuns. She never understood why nuns inspired so much terror.

The past Halloween at Charming High, Ima upped her costume by adding a pillow so she looked pregnant. She loved stirring up trouble. The assistant principal at Charming High asked her to remove the pillow. Charming High was poorly run and the assistant principal had no way to make Ima comply, so he offered to zero out all her tardies from her permanent record. She countered that she wanted all of her detention hours reduced to zero. The assistant principal took the deal. It had all gone just as she planned.

I envied Ima her freedom. She didn't have to worry about her grades or her permanent record. It was a freedom I never had.

Jax was at the podium when Ima stood up.

"I have something to say," Ima said, speaking over Jax.

Whenever you needed crazy, cue Ima. She could always be counted on.

"I think . . . ", she began and there was a long pause, "it's about the Son of God. That's what Jax's shirt means. What do you have against the Son of God?" Ima began twirling her rosary above her head like a cowboy with a lasso. "And what is the difference between a gang, a religion and a cult?"

At that moment, all I could think of was this expulsion hearing was being hi-jacked into a discussion on religion. It could all be ruined by crazy Ima dressed up like a nun.

Hale had moved to the back of the classroom in preparation for the anarchy phase of the proceedings. He and Jax exchanged looks and then Hale went to Ima and I replaced Hale at the back of the room.

Hale and Ima had a brief whispered conversation. Her face flushed bright red and her lips were pushed out in a pout.

"Never mind," she said. She sat down, crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Hale.

A couple of the girls on student council snickered, but the boys seemed mesmerized by the sight of Ima in her nun's outfit and stripper heels.

Hale joined me at the back of the room.

"What did you say to her?" I asked Hale.

"I told her I wouldn't sell to her anymore," Hale replied.

"Great job."

I looked out into the hall. I knew my friends would show up, but I had no idea how many others.

Students began streaming into the classroom. Some had letters on their shirts, others had words. I opened my jacket to reveal the word "daughter".

It was apparent then why the added space was needed. Despite the triple classroom, the crowd filled up the space. No one sat. I hadn't counted on how intimidating the crowd would be.

Jax gestured to the crowd—all the kids that weren't popular, in other words, most of Charming High.

"I'm wearing a T-shirt with the word "son" on it. A lot of other students are wearing shirts with letters and some have words. "Is the word "daughter" gang related?" Jax pointed at me. "Which words and letters are gang related?"

The student council was having its worst day and most exciting day simultaneously. The advisor looked like he wanted to run for the door.

Next, Jax picked up a dictionary he had concealed under some folders.

"Who wants to go through the dictionary and write down all the words that are gang related? Maybe we should cut them out of the dictionary. And the books in the library. Maybe we should remove them too. This hearing is nothing more than a petty personal vendetta against me. I'm not the first person who has been kicked out of school for ridiculous reasons. I'm just the most vocal."

Jax turned to look at all the students that had come to his hearing.

"I want to thank all of you for coming to show your support against high school tyranny. Most of us go through high school without ever being remembered. We're not popular. We're extras in _their_ high school movie," Jax pointed at the student council. "Not today. Today, we have a voice and together we have true power. Now, student council, are you going to expel me?" Jax's words were less a question than a dare.

**AN IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE **

**I am linking Tara's Story with Jax Is Really Alive in chapter 11 of Jax Is Really Alive. Tara will reveal what happened to her when she died and was brought back to life. I know some readers read Tara's Story, but not Jax Is Really Alive. The info Tara reveals won't appear in Tara's Story until near the end of the story, so I want to give readers a chance to read this now. It doesn't give away twists or spoilers.**

**I also wrote a short section to tell readers of Tara's Story what they need to know to follow Jax Is Really Alive for those that want to know where Tara was when she was telling her story.**

**The two stories are now on parallel courses. In Tara's Story, Tara tells her love story with Jax. In Jax's Alive, Jax tells the story of trying to win back Tara's love. If you haven't read Jax Is Really Alive, this is the time to do it because the story is going to undergo big changes in the next two chapters.**

**Next Up Tara's Story Wanna Be My Girlfriend?**


	10. Chapter 10 Revised

19

**Tara's Story**

**Chapter 9 Recap**

Ima wearing an authentic nun's habit stolen from the office of the principal of the Catholic high school she briefly attended, stands up and tells the student council that Jax's "son" shirt is actually about the Son of God and she demands to know what they have against the Son of God. She also wants to know the difference between a gang, a cult and a religion. Hale smoothly handles her by whispering in her ear and threatening to refuse to sell her anymore pot if she doesn't sit down and shut up. She sits down, her lower lip pushed out in a pout.

The hearing is packed with students, the ones no one pays attention to in school. Everyone has a word or random letters on their T-shirts. Jax challenges the student council to tell him which words should be banned.

**Chapter 10 Surprise Ending**

There was a dramatic hush, but there was tension in the air. The student council called a ten minute recess.

Jax spent the break, thanking all the students who had come out to support him. There was a lot of excitement in the air. All that could quickly change if the student council made the wrong decision.

Ima couldn't stand not being the center of attention, so she began to remove her nun's habit like she was at a strip club. She swayed from side to side while she slowly removed the habit to reveal she was wearing a hot pink latex mini-skirt and matching T-shirt. Both Jax and Hale ignored her.

Ten minutes later, the president called the meeting to order. The student council had reached a decision in record time. I hoped for everyone's sake and safety that they made the right decision.

"We have reviewed the petition for removing Dan from office. We believe the signatures are valid. In addition, we find that Dan's conduct with regards to Jax Teller's expulsion goes against student council policy. We have voted unanimously to remove Dan from office effective immediately," the president said reading from a piece of notebook paper. He paused and looked at Dan. "This was wrong," he said, for once not reading from his paper. "Teller did nothing wrong and we aren't expelling him. This should never have come to us. As members of the student council and as students, we apologize to Jax and all of the students in the school. We have let the students down by allowing Dan to hijack us and use student council for his own petty vendettas. We would like to offer Jax the vacant seat on student council."

There was such an outpouring of clapping and cheering that it took a while for the crowd to quiet enough for Jax to speak.

"I accept your apology. I'm too much of an anarchist for student council. I think Hale would be a great choice."

The president was flustered. The advisor leaned over and spoke to him for a few seconds.

"Are you interested in the vacancy?" the president asked Hale.

"Yes. I would make a good addition and I would represent everyone, not just the popular few."

"Anyone else want to be considered for student council?" the president asked.

Everyone looked at each other but no one volunteered.

The student council voted unanimously to fill Dan's vacant position with Hale. And then it was over. Jax hugged me before he was quickly surrounded by all of his supporters.

It was a strange feeling. It was just over. Dan left the hearing in tears and I have to admit I enjoyed seeing him defeated. He picked the wrong person to fight with when he picked on Jax. I don't know how he could have thought he could get Jax expelled, but he's not that smart so anything's possible.

I was relieved that it was finally over. The anarchy option had worked out well and my permanent record would be safe.

At lunch, we had a mini-celebration. I'd made chocolate chip cookies to pass out. I made sure my friends were part of the celebration. They did a lot of the anarchy work.

We found removable labels at an office supply store. My friends wrote words and letters on them and before the hearing they passed them out to the students to put on their shirts.

I'd like to say this moment brought the popular and invisible kids together and there was peace and understanding among the various cliques. It may have happened for a few seconds. There are some things that are too ingrained to ever change.

I had focused on Jax's expulsion hearing to the exclusion of everything else. Now that the elation from the hearing had faded, I was alternately excited and nervous about tonight's slumber party.

The first time Jax stayed with me, it wasn't planned. He just insisted on staying with me and he refused to leave me alone. Without him that night, I would have killed myself. What he did for me that night meant so much to me. It bound me to him and him to me so tightly neither one of us could ever be free of the other. Not even death could separate us—at least not permanently.

That afternoon, as I sat in some mind numbing class learning something I'd put into my memory only long enough to take a test, I was thinking about Jax. My mind always seemed to be on Jax.

I was wondering about Jax's staying over. This was the first time he'd asked me. He's bringing dinner. Does that mean it's a date? My mind went into an endless loop wondering if I could classify that night as a date. In the end, of course, it didn't matter what it was called, but at the time, I wanted to put a label on the upcoming social interaction. I thought if I could name it, it would help me figure out what was going on between Jax and me.

In Mr. Ragwell's biology class, there wasn't any awkwardness with Dan. He went home sick. His mother later came to school and changed his schedule so he no longer had Mr. Ragwell for biology.

After class, Mr. Ragwell asked us to stay. He praised us for how well the hearing went and complimented Jax on his great closing statement.

Jax walked me home and told me he would be back around seven.

As I cleaned the house, I wondered what it would feel like to have the whole male/female thing figured out. Even after leaving life, that knowledge escapes me. Maybe it's impossible.

During high school, I don't know how many times Ima flirted with Jax and tried to seduce him. After every rejection, she would try again, her confidence never wavering.

According to Lyla, Ima wasn't the victim of child abuse, molestation, or rape. There wasn't a boyfriend or drug problem that caused her entry into porn. She chose the career.

At eighteen, she walked into Georgie Caruso's porn studio and pitched him a movie about a young innocent girl who is thinking about becoming a nun so she spends a wild weekend in a convent. She wore the habit she'd stolen and that clinched the deal.

Not only did she make the film, it turned into a series. As a final dig to her former high school, the nun in charge of the convent was named "Sister Mary Margaret".

Ima had a unique point of view, again according to Lyla. Athletes use their bodies to make a living, so why shouldn't she? She didn't see the difference. To her, sex wasn't something shared as part of a loving relationship. It was just using body parts to make money.

Jax didn't sleep with Ima until after I returned to Charming and he and I were living together. It should have been all rainbows and purple unicorns, but it's next to impossible to have a happy relationship, personal life and work life in Charming.

Jax and I were happy together, but the work and personal areas were not going well. Jax and Clay were clashing. Clay thought Opie was going to rat on the club to the ATF thanks to Stahl. Behind the MC's back, he ordered Tig to kill Opie.

Opie and Donna switched cars and Tig killed Donna by mistake. Jax suspected the truth, but he feared if the told Opie, it would crush him. Opie spent six years in prison for SAMCRO and now the brothers he loved so much were responsible for leaving him without a wife and his kids without a mother. Jax couldn't tell him.

This caused so much friction between Jax and Clay that Jax made the decision to leave SOA Charming and become a member of the nomads, a sort of homeless MC without a home base.

Gemma told me it would be dangerous for Jax traveling alone to the different MCs. The night the club voted to allow Jax to leave Charming and join the nomads, Gemma told Jax and Clay about getting raped. That brought the two men together and healed the rift.

I'd been carrying around news that threatened my career. I'd helped Chibs stay at St. Thomas Hospital where the club could watch over him because he and Gemma were afraid that if he were left unguarded at a county hospital, he would be killed. He was in the hospital because someone put a bomb in a car that he was driving. His fear was real. By helping him fake symptoms, so he could stay on the critical list, I'd violated several hospital policies that could result in me losing my job and even my medical license.

The weight of that was crushing me. The career I had worked so hard to achieve could be gone. I told Jax I had vacation time, but I couldn't keep lying to him. I couldn't keep the secret any longer: I blurted out the truth the morning after Gemma revealed the assault.

My emotional dam broke and I continued to spill out things. I told him it would kill me if he were sleeping with other women and that cheating is a deal breaker for me. And then, to round out the load that was on Jax's shoulders, I hit him with the future relationship stuff. I told him eventually playing house wouldn't be enough and I was going to want a baby and maybe two. I needed to know we were heading towards something. To his credit, he didn't run from the house. He took it like a real man.

He told me he hadn't been with anyone since we had started living together. He told me that we were heading towards something because he wouldn't have told me all the things that he had. He wrapped me in his arms and the world became a better place for me—for a few seconds. That was another memory I pressed into my mind so I could remember it for the days when I was overwhelmed with all the bad.

I was overwhelmed with the bad less than forty-eight hours later when Abel was kidnapped. Jax did his best to push me away. I thought it was because he blamed me for Abel's kidnapping, but Gemma thought he was trying to protect me from the violence. It wasn't until he had sex with Ima that I got it and I thought we were done.

I'll never forget that night. I got little sleep because I was worried that something might have happened to him. When I didn't get a call from anyone in SAMCRO, I knew he wasn't hurt. They would have called me because I was the club doctor. Chibs could do some very basic medical procedures, but I handled anything serious.

I knew why he hadn't come home. On the drive to the clubhouse, I was hoping I was wrong, that Jax had a late night with the club and all was right with the world except Abel was kidnapped, Gemma was in the hospital under arrest for two murders and the MC was facing federal weapons charges with some of them, including Jax, looking at long stretches in prison.

At the clubhouse, Opie covered for Jax. He told me he wasn't in the room he used to stay in. I didn't expect Opie to tell me the truth. I turned and walked down that hall, each step felt like a stab to my heart because I knew what I was going to find. I opened the door and saw a high heel on the floor. I was right.

Ima smirked at me from the bathroom doorway. She'd finally gotten her claws into my boyfriend. I'm sure she savored that victory just as I had mine.

A month or so earlier, Jax had gone to a wrap party at the club's porn studio Caracara. I arrived a little later. Ima and I exchanged heated words. I went into the bathroom to cool down. I had to think of my hands. I couldn't give into my desire to punch her and risk injuring my hands.

Jax came in and I pushed him with both my hands. Somehow, one thing led to another and we were having sex. Ima opened the bathroom door and saw us. I smiled at her. That was my victory and I savored it.

I left that morning when I saw Ima with Jax. Words couldn't drive me away. I told him cheating was a deal breaker and that's what he did.

Later that day, I'd gone to his house to get my stuff. He came by to pack a bag to bring to Ireland where Abel was being held. I'm not sure which one of us was weaker. That afternoon Jax could have told me he didn't love me anymore and he wanted to be free to screw his brains out with every croweater and woman he could get his hands on. Except soccer moms. Jax had a phobia about them. (This was revealed in Strange Times for SAMCRO) That would have done it. He seemed to confirm what Gemma told me, that he was pushing me away to protect me. I was so sure that I was immune from the club violence. That lasted a few days until Salazar kidnapped me to use as bait to get to Jax

I loved Jax and that love made me weak. If I had been tougher or stronger, I would have left. I would have started a new life.

Part of me was caught up in this belief that Jax and I had this great love story and we were destined to be together. That also was a big part of the reason I stuck it out.

There was also a part of me who felt indebted to him. Jax was there for me for all the hard times I went through in high school. He even saved me from killing myself the first day he came to my house. I never told him. I was always too ashamed to confess such weakness. Earlier, I'd told him of my aunt's death. He decided I shouldn't be alone. If he'd come by ten minutes later, I'd have been dead, so I was willing to overlook a lot because he had been so loving to me in high school.

Going back to that afternoon in high school after Jax won in his expulsion hearing, I was so excited about that evening. I was certain that this was the turning point in our relationship and Jax would upgrade me from friend to girlfriend. At least this time when he was staying over, I wasn't an emotional mess.

Jax was actually a few minutes early. We ate Chinese food and talked about the expulsion hearing. We were laughing and everything was great until Jax broke the news to me about Darby.

"I asked Clay about Darby. He knows every scumbag in town."

"So tell me, who is Darby?"

"He cooks and sells crank. He's been in and out of prison. His goal in life is simple—he wants to make and sell meth in Charming. The MC won't let him."

"What do you mean the MC won't let him?"

Jax's face beamed with pride.

"They stop him by any means necessary."

I liked the way that sounded. I pictured these noble men astride Harleys fighting to keep the town safe. Sometimes my imagination and real life didn't fit together. This was one of those times.

"Is he still trying to do that in Charming? Could he be making it next door?"

"Clay checked around and he isn't doing anything in Charming. I don't think he would dare to make it next door."

"Do you know what my idiot father did?"

Jax laughed. "That could cover a lot of territory."

I laughed too because he was right.

"He and Darby have become beer drinking buddies. He told him and Jeff that he leaves me alone on the weekends. He asked them to keep an eye on me."

Jax shook his head.

"That was pretty stupid."

"And now I find out Darby isn't a fine upstanding member of the community. You would think he would find out a little more about them before telling them he leaves me alone on weekends."

"I don't think Darby's a physical threat to you."

"He's not the one I'm worried about. It's his nephew, Jeff Smith, who creeps me out."

"Yeah, there's something about that guy that's not quite right. His name is so common—if it is his real name—it would be hard to track him. Clay didn't know anything about him and neither did Unser."

"I'm sure it will be OK," I said with more confidence than I felt.

"You can always call me on my cell. Unser's a friend and the MC will help."

"The MC would help me?"

"Sure. You're my friend and that's a benefit. You've heard the expression "friends with benefits".

He grinned at me and any fears I had of Jeff Smith potentially dangerous, possibly psychotic next door neighbor vanished under the warmth of his smile.

We picked "Father Ted" to begin our viewing evening. It's a comedy TV show from Ireland about three wayward priests exiled to Craggy Island for various misdeeds from incompetence to chasing women. My father had all three years. Later I would see the Irish clergy in a more sinister light. I preferred the pretend to the reality.

We loved the first episode so much; we decided to continue. We had just started the second episode "Entertaining Father Stone" when there was a knock at the door.

"Expecting anyone?" Jax asked.

"No."

"I've got this. I bet it's the creep next door."

Jax walked to the door and I trailed after him. He opened the door and there he was my next door neighbor. He had actually combed his hair and doused himself with some horrible musk aftershave. He couldn't change his appearance. He still reminded me of a younger Richard Ramirez of the Night Stalker serial killer infamy.

"Is Tara here?" Jeff asked.

Jax opened the door another foot so Jeff could see me.

"I'm checking on her," Jeff said.

Jax put his arm around my waist and pulled me to him.

"I've got that. She doesn't need you to check on her. She doesn't _want_ you to check on her. She has _me_. _I_ watch out for her."

"That's right," I said.

"Aren't you two just the cutest couple ever," he sneered.

Jax dropped his arm from around my waist. His body tensed and his hands were balled into fists.

Jeff scrambled backwards afraid Jax was going to hit him.

"Get lost and don't ever come back _here_," Jax said. He slammed the door and locked it.

"Thanks for handling that."

"I don't like that guy."

"Me neither," I said.

I know women are supposed to rescue themselves and be strong and independent, but I confess I like it when a man is a man. That moment was amazing. I love the physical, protective side of Jax. I liked how he made me feel like I belonged to him.

I'd been raised to take care of myself. It was a luxury to have someone watching out for me. Jax made me feel precious, like I was worth protecting and defending.

We returned to "Father Ted". We cut ourselves off after three episodes. We wanted to savor the pleasure rather than gulping down too many episodes at once and losing our appreciation of this great comedy. I liked that Jax was planning on future viewing nights.

Jax apologized about having to get some sleep. He was going to visit his best friend Opie with his father, Piney. He was excited because Piney was going to let him drive. He already had his learner's permit and taken driver's training. In a few weeks he would be sixteen.

He hadn't brought his sleeping bag so I brought out a pillow and sheets and made him a bed on the sofa.

He only lived a few minutes' walk away. He could have easily gone home. He said he liked staying with me. I treasured those words. I woke him at 8 and made him a quick scrambled egg breakfast so he could get home and be ready by 8:30 when Piney was due to pick him up.

He put his arm around me and kissed me on the cheek when he left. I didn't read too much into that. He'd done that the previous two times he stayed the night.

I tried to get a little more sleep, but my mind was too full of Jax. That horrible part of me wondered if Jax had a date that night. He didn't say how long the drive was to visit his friend or when they would return.

I decided not to make myself crazy. I knew I'd do that if I didn't get out of the house. I took my bike to the Small Mall. I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed bike riding. I loved the feel of the wind in my face, blowing my still too short hair. I took another vow not to obsess about Jax.

I found some eyeliner at the drugstore that promised it would give me a smoky eye. I had gotten home and just started to make my first attempt when the phone rang.

Insane me thought it might be Jax asking me out on a date. Rational me thought it was a wrong number.

After I said hello, there was a slight pause.

"Hello, beautiful, beautiful Tara. Would you like to be my girlfriend?"

The phone slipped out of my hand. I caught it just before it hit the floor.

Life is full of surprises.

**AS ALWAYS PLEASE REVIEW**

Next Up Blackmail Betrayal Jealousy Murder

Tara's life is going to get a whole lot more complicated as her father tries to make amends to her. Someone suffers a major betrayal. A blackmailer is revealed and shut down.

**Father Ted Note:**

Father Ted is an actual show and the description is correct. If you like Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, Coupling or English humor, you'll like Father Ted if you are lucky enough to find it. The show only went three seasons because the actor Dermot Morgan who played Father Ted died unexpectedly from a heart attack shortly after the third season wrapped.


	11. Chapter 11 Revised

28

**TARA'S STORY REVISED**

**Chapter 10 Recap**

Jax wins at the expulsion hearing and Dan is removed from student council. Tara wonders if Jax bringing dinner and spending the night could be called a date. She hopes by giving a name to their upcoming evening, she will know what's going on between them. She hopes that he will upgrade her from friend to girlfriend.

During the evening, Tara's next door neighbor, the younger guy who resembles the serial killer Richard Ramirez, comes over to check on her smelling of too much musk aftershave. Jax tells him that he is the one taking care of Tara.

Jax goes with Piney to visit Opie, who got locked up for a misunderstanding with a car. He's excited because Piney is letting him drive.

Tara is surprised by a phone call and an invitation to finally be a girlfriend.

**Chapter 11 **_**Pretend**_

My ears must have malfunctioned. I couldn't have possibly heard what I thought I did.

"The phone slipped from my hand. I don't think I heard what you said."

"OK. I'll rephrase. Would the beautiful and charming Tara Knowles do me the honor of being my girlfriend?"

My heart beat faster, I felt a little light-headed and then I got it.

"That's what I heard the first time, surfer boy. Hale, you told me you only sold and never used, but you _must_ be high."

He laughed.

"I'm not high. I need a fake girlfriend for about an hour. I've been using a girlfriend as an excuse to get out of the house. My father is suspicious. You are the first girl I thought of."

"Or the only girl you thought had nothing better to do with her time."

"Not true," Hale protested. "You are the perfect choice to play my girlfriend. My parents will love you."

"Jax and I were studying for a biology test at his house. I met Gemma and Clay. They hated me."

"And that's why my parents will love you. I'll owe you a big favor. Please help me out."

I planned to spend the evening reading, watching TV or DVDs and hoping Jax would come by. An hour less of doing that didn't seem like much of a sacrifice.

Hale covered for Jax the first time he stayed with me. Jax didn't tell Hale why he needed him to cover. Hale had simply done it because Jax asked him. He also helped a lot in Jax's expulsion defense. I felt like I owed Hale.

"I will—at _great_ inconvenience to me—rearrange my evening to help you, but I'm not doing it so you'll owe me a favor."

"You're the best. When can I pick you up? A half hour?"

"What should I wear? Jeans and a T-shirt?"

"Just a little dressier."

"OK. Give me 45 minutes."

"I'll see you in an hour. How's that?"

"Perfect."

I gave him my address and then went to my closet to figure out what to wear.

It shouldn't matter what I wore or what Hale's parents thought of me, but it did. After my disaster with Gemma and Clay, I felt a need to prove myself.

It would be easy. All I had to do was not say anything stupid or do anything stupid. It was only 60 minutes. It could even be less than that. It really didn't matter. I was just pretending.

An hour later, Hale and I were in his pick-up and heading back to his house.

"You look really pretty, Tara."

"Thanks," I said.

I wasn't under any illusions about my looks. I was pretty in a bland girl next door sort of way. I would never be beautiful. To be beautiful, I would need more exotic looking eyes or fuller lips—just some feature that was extraordinary.

Jax is handsome. As a teen, he was easily one of the best looking guys in school. When I returned 10 years later, the time had toughened up his features making him even more attractive and increasing his sex appeal—something I would never have thought possible because he was sizzling hot in high school.

I always felt that Jax was too good looking for me. I was dating outside my class and I was always insecure about it. If I hadn't had that horrible, short, hacked off haircut, I would have had more self-esteem. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so insecure.

That's the reason Ima could always got under my skin. She had this supreme self-confidence when it came to men. She believed she could get any man she wanted and time proved this true.

That night in Hale's pick-up truck, I was nervous about meeting his parents. I may have only been a fake girlfriend, but I still wanted to make a good impression.

"What do I need to know about our relationship?"

"Those are scary words," Hale said and laughed. "I told them we met on your first day of school when you couldn't find your English class."

"So does that mean I should pretend to be stupid too?"

"No, just directionally impaired."

"Thanks a lot."

"Just follow my lead and I'll rescue you if there's a problem."

Hale had dressed up a step. He had on dark wash blue jeans and a white and blue striped shirt.

I finally decided on black leggings with a tunic length purple sweater. I flat-ironed the pieces of my hair that were sticking up. It didn't really help. My hair still looked awful. I used a bit of mascara, a little blush so I didn't look so deathly pale and my plum red lip stain. I'd decided against the smoky eye look. I didn't think I could master the look in time and smoky eyes are supposed to be sexy. That's not the look I thought would make a good impression on the Hales.

Hale's parents' home was a long single storied rambling Spanish mission style white house trimmed in cobalt blue. It was a nice house, but I was picturing some big huge gloomy mansion.

Hale's mom was almost the complete opposite of Gemma. She was about my height with a comfortable body, curly shoulder length auburn hair, green eyes and a bubbly personality. I liked her immediately.

"I'm so happy to meet you," she said, skipping the handshake and hugging me.

"It's so nice to meet you, Mrs. Hale."

"You can call me Lorraine."

"And you can call me Judge if we're in the courtroom or Steve if we're not."

Hale's father was tall and lean with a full head of light brown hair. He shook my hand.

"I kind of hope I never encounter you in court," I said.

They all laughed.

"If you don't mind, I think I will stick to calling you Mr. and Mrs. Hale for a while. My mother and my aunt raised me not to call adults by their first names. I never really thought much about it until now. It just feels wrong."

"I like that. That's how I was brought up too. Sometimes I think we're too informal," Mrs. Hale said.

"It's fine with me too," Mr. Hale said.

"You two should stay for dinner," Mrs. Hale said. "Originally, we were supposed to have the Pattersons over but their daughter-in-law went into labor so they had to cancel. It's their first grandchild."

"That's a great idea," Mr. Hale added. "What do you say, Tara?"

I smiled at Hale.

"That sounds like a lot of fun," I said.

I was having some revenge on Hale for all of his "beautiful Tara" talk. Spending an evening with his parents instead of drug dealing would be a fitting punishment. I was along on this punishment, so maybe I should have thought it through a little more.

"We're staying for dinner then. Whatever my lady wants."

"Whatever my lady wants?" I repeated. "Since when?"

Hale laughed and so did his parents.

I used to wonder what kind of person Jax would have turned out to be if his parents were more like Hale's. What career would he have chosen? Would he still have been the person I fell in love with?

I couldn't see the Hales raising their sons to murder and steal as Gemma had with Jax. Jacob Hale was involved in some pretty shady dealings though. He did send Salazar to "persuade" Lumpy to sell his gym. Lumpy was badly beaten. He was hospitalized and died a few days later. Jacob Hale had blood on his hands.

Thinking about it like that, Jacob Hale wasn't that much different from the MC. He wanted what he wanted by any means necessary. No difference there.

That's one thing about Hale when he became a police officer; he really played it straight. He could have harassed the club for probation violations because they were almost always carrying concealed weapons, but he didn't do that. He didn't get that petty. He had a strong sense of right and wrong. I respected him for that. Adult Hale was incorruptible.

We'll never know how Charming would have fared with him as police chief since he was brutally run down and dragged to his death by a van after Half-Sack's wake.

As I watched Hale being killed that horrible night, all I could think of was the mellow surfer from high school. I've always wondered if he were happier then or as a police officer.

I had a great time with Hale and his parents. While Hale and his father went outside to grill some big beautiful steaks, I stayed inside with Mrs. Hale. I volunteered to make the salad. I got a little carried away with the knife, so it ended up being a chopped salad. Mrs. Hale assured me that she preferred it that way because it was easier to eat.

Mrs. Hale asked me to make the dressing. She gave me the ingredients I needed. When I was finished, I asked Mrs. Hale to taste it. She loved it. I was doing so much better in the kitchen with her than Gemma.

She was making vanilla ice cream using an electric maker. She gave me a taste. I hesitated about making a suggestion since the last time with Gemma hadn't gone well, but I just had to make a suggestion and show off what I knew. This is one of my most irritating personality traits. It's not all just showing off; it's what I do to be liked. I'm helping so I think the person will like me. The outcome of my helping works out sometimes and sometimes it's a disaster like the one I had with Gemma.

"If you like cinnamon, you can add a bit and it's really good."

"How much cinnamon?"

"A half teaspoon at first and then you keep adding a bit more until it's the right amount for you."

She asked me how I'd gotten so useful in the kitchen and I explained about my aunt. When I told her my aunt had recently died, my emotions slipped and I could feel the tears in my eyes. Mrs. Hale hugged me. She was such a warm kind person.

That evening was a revelation. My father left when I was so young, I had few family memories. Watching the Hales was one of the few glimpses into family life that I had.

Mrs. Hale was the center of the house, but in a different way than Gemma. The way Mr. Hale talked to her and looked at her, I could tell how much he loved her and I could see how much she loved him.

I envied Hale his family. He had a mom and dad who had a great marriage. I hoped I'd have that one day. I achieved it, only it was in bits and pieces sandwiched between the hell that the MC and Gemma caused us.

In truth, it was worth every bit of mental and physical pain because it led me to where I am now. (this story is told in Jax Is Really Alive)

Mrs. Hale had a beautiful welcoming home done in bright colors. It had the warmth and vibrancy of her personality.

"Your home is so beautiful, Mrs. Hale. I'm hoping you might give me some decorating ideas. My father told me I could paint my room any color I want. He also told me I can paint the furniture in the room too. I don't know how to figure out what colors I should use.

Mr. Hale and Hale exchanged looks.

Right after dinner, Mrs. Hale led me into a room that was clearly a craft and design room. There were shelves neatly arranged with fabrics, trim, buttons, beads, paint and just about any craft supply imaginable. There were also two long work tables with chairs. On one table, there were two fancy looking sewing machines.

"That was the perfect question," Mrs. Hale said.

"That's why David and Mr. Hale looked at each other."

I was careful to change what I called Hale since I figured that his parents probably didn't call him by his last name.

She nodded.

"David knew he had just lost his girlfriend for the rest of the night." She said with a mischievous grin.

She pulled out a huge array of color strips held together by a large metal ring.

"I always ask myself how I want to feel in the room. You might want your bedroom to be calm and serene or bright and happy. You're a teen so you can go bolder with color choices and have fun.

"When I first decorated this house, I did it in neutral colors. I was a young bride and I wanted to show everyone I fit in as the wife of a powerful lawyer. It looked nice, but it was sterile. My husband suggested I follow my heart with color so over time I started to change the rooms until I got everything the way it is now. I now have this intense love for decorating."

"I really admire you," I blurted out. Mrs. Hale was the person I wanted to be when I grew up.

"I've evolved. The teen years are tough, but once you get through those, it's much better. I think you should consider going for something really happy and vibrant. Maybe a deep fuchsia and dark red with splashes of orange."

I couldn't figure out how the colors would go together, so she grabbed a big sketch pad and began to draw.

"I took some classes after my first decorating attempt. They actually teach you how to draw in school."

She got up, went to the shelves, pulled out a large white box and brought it over to me.

"Open it and tell me what you think."

I opened the box and pulled out a quilt. This wasn't an ordinary quilt. It was a work of art. There was no typical quilt pattern, no calico or flowers. There were squares of dark pink and crimson stitched together randomly. Diamond shaped pieces of dark orange were also randomly stitched on top of the pink and red pieces. There was a surprising border of eggplant colored ruffles.

My mouth fell open.

"Wow. That is the most beautiful quilt I've ever seen."

"I made it," she said proudly. "It's actually not a true quilt. It's more of a bedspread."

"It is just so amazing. It's fun and joyful. I never would have thought to put those colors together, but they are in perfect harmony. I don't have a sewing machine and I don't know how to sew, but I could hand stitch. Would you mind if I sort of copied it?"

"Yeah, I would."

"Sorry. I . . . ," I broke off not sure what to say next. Obviously, I'd said something stupid. Again.

Mrs. Hale laughed and patted my arm.

"I'm teasing you. When I do a project, any arts and crafts project, I design it, make it and find it a home. I make things because I love to create, but I also love finding them a home with someone who will love them. Sometimes, I donate things to a charity auction, sometimes I give them to someone I know. You don't need to copy it. I'm giving you this one. When you saw it, I could tell you loved it. Not everyone would appreciate it. This needs a home. It's been boxed up too long."

I was speechless for a few seconds. It was such a huge gift and I felt guilty pretending to be Hale's girlfriend.

"That is really generous of you, Mrs. Hale. What happens if David and I break up? You'll regret giving it to me."

"Tara, this isn't about you as David's girlfriend. It's about my project finding a home with someone who loves it."

"Thank you." I didn't know what else to say. My mother told me that sometimes a simple "thank you" is enough if it's heartfelt.

"I was thinking eggplant for the furniture to bring in the quilt's ruffle."

She took colors off her big ring of colors and put them on the sketch.

"That looks amazing."

She continued to draw my room and before I knew it, it was 10:00 o'clock.

Hale appeared at the door.

"We were thinking about having dessert now," Hale said.

"Oops. I didn't realize it was so late. Once I start a new design, I lose myself."

We sat around eating ice cream. Mrs. Hale told them of my suggestion to add cinnamon. Both Hale and his father love cinnamon, so the ice cream was a big hit.

"I was telling Tara that I was going to a flea market tomorrow. You know, she has never been to one."

Hale and his father exchanged looks again.

"I have a great idea," Mr. Hale said. "Tara can go in my place. I don't mind."

Mrs. Hale and I looked at each other and we laughed.

"I told you what he'd say."

"What do you mean?" Hale asked his mother.

"I already asked her if she wanted to go with me."

"She told me you would be happy if I took your place."

Hale and I left shortly after that. I needed to be up early for the flea market.

"Your mom wants to give me this really beautiful quilt. Do you think I should take it?"

"I know that project. My mother loves designing and creating, but she isn't completely fulfilled until her project has a home. She wouldn't give you the quilt if she didn't want you to have it. Take it."

"There's another part. She volunteered you to paint my bedroom furniture."

Hale laughed. "She does that a lot. I kind of enjoy taking something and changing its color, but only if it's a big color change."

"It's a big color change."

"Good. I told you my parents would love you."

"You have great parents."

"My father is a little nuts. My brother Jacob is seven years older. When I was born, my father had a new theory about parenting; a parent should reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior. If it's a success, he wants to write a book and give seminars on his parenting technique."

"What does your mother say?"

"She is OK with it as long as there aren't big problems."

She sounded like my father much to my disappointment. I guess you never know about a family until you're inside it.

"That sounds like my father. He told me he doesn't have rules for me and if there are problems, then he'll have rules for me. How's your dad's theory working for you?"

"He gave me $40 when you showed up. Everything is money to him. He would rather hand out money than praise. Sometimes, I'd rather hear something good."

"How does he expect his parenting method to work? Most people can't hand out money like that."

"He will emphasize that you can do it with praise, but he doesn't do it with me. Just a few years and I'll be free and in Hawaii."

"Strange parenting or not, I like your parents."

Hale pulled his pick-up into my driveway.

"Tara, I really appreciate what you did for me tonight."

"I enjoyed it."

"Yeah, me too. I do have some unhappy customers but they'll get over it."

"Are you going back home?"

He nodded.

"Since we're supposed to be together, I don't have a choice."

"Sorry about that."

"Tara, I'm going to do you a big favor."

"Hale, I didn't . . ."

"I know. I know. You don't want a favor. Call it a gift. Don't be too available. Guys assess value based on scarcity."

"Is that a nice way of telling me I shouldn't have agreed to help you tonight?"

He shook his head.

"No, I'm giving you advice about Teller. Make him want to spend time with you. No matter how you deny it, I know you like him. I will always keep that secret."

"There's no secret. I helped him with his expulsion hearing and he's my lab partner. That's all there is to it."

I was getting annoyed by his insistence that I liked Jax. I knew Jax hadn't told Hale about our slumber parties, so I wasn't sure what he meant by being too available.

"Has Jax said something to you about me?" I demanded.

"No. We're friends but not to that level. I'm helping you by betraying men everywhere by giving you info on how we think. Jax has never had to work to get a girl. They throw themselves at him. I guess it's the Jax Teller charm," Hale said with a rueful smile. "Make him work to get you."

"That's crazy advice. How can I make Jax work to get me? He and I are just friends."

"How about we pretend that you like Jax as more than a friend just for fun?"

"That doesn't sound like fun."

"How about we just pretend then?"

"OK," I said, agreeing only because it seemed like the fastest way to end the conversation without being rude.

"Jax doesn't have girls for friends. He makes out with them and then he's done. Be his lab partner and his friend and then, you can sneak up on his heart. Don't throw yourself at him. Keep him guessing. Make him make the effort to win you and don't be too available to him."

I looked into Hale's eyes. They were a bright blue, the same color I'd seen in a picture of the Mediterranean. He was so sincere. He really was trying to help me.

"Thanks for the advice," I said. I didn't want to argue about Jax anymore.

"I'll never be able to dump you. My parents would be very unhappy with me. You are going to have to dump me."

"I can't believe this. We're breaking up. _Already_?"

Hale gave me worried look and I laughed.

"You had me going for a minute," he confessed. "If you don't mind, can we keep this up—see how it goes?"

"I feel guilty. Your parents have been so nice to me."

"A few more weeks. It's our secret. No one at school will know."

"OK. After talking to your mother, I'm dying to get my bedroom fixed up. I won't break up with you until you get my furniture painted."

"I love your honesty. You and my mother will have a great time tomorrow especially since I won't be with you. My dad and I hate flea markets. No matter how hard we pretend, she can always tell. I'll get your door and walk you to your house."

"You don't have to do that."

"Yes, I do. My mother taught me that a gentleman does that for a lady or his fake girlfriend. Before I forget, when you told my parents you were going to call them Mr. Hale and Mrs. Hale, you scored major extra credit points."

Hale walked me to my door. Since I was only his pretend girlfriend, there was no awkward is he going to kiss me or not dilemma.

Mrs. Hale came by a little before 7 am. She wanted to take a look at my bedroom to make sure we scaled the design to the room's size. We measured the room and all the furniture so she could do a sketch to scale later.

Mrs. Hale asked me if she were overwhelming me and taking the lead on my bedroom when I should be in charge.

I told her that I didn't know what to do and if she didn't mind taking the lead, I would appreciate it. I confessed that on my own, I'd do it in bits and pieces and never really get it done.

We decided to do my bedroom like a TV show. I would paint my room and work on projects, but she and Hale would put all the furniture in and decorate the room so I would see it all at once. I was really excited.

Our flea market trip was perfect. Mrs. Hale taught me how to bargain. She had a great eye seeing the potential when I saw nothing but junk. She helped me see how a simple wire lamp could be turned into a hammered gold and crystal chandelier style bedside lamp.

She knew a couple of vendors that sold fabric odds and ends. We found the perfect color for the drapes. She suggested a sheer gold since the window had a mini-blind. I told her I would hand sew the curtains, but she said she could do it in less than twenty minutes with her sewing machine. She reassured me that she loved crafts and decorating projects. She added that she wouldn't do something she didn't want to do.

After the flea market, she insisted on taking me to lunch at this hot dog place at the flea market that served the best chili dogs and beer battered onion rings.

She had made a list of the things I needed for my room and we had gotten all those. It had cost me less than $40.

In addition to being bubbly and fun, she was also a bit of a gossip, so on the return trip to Charming, I led the conversation to what Hale told me about the Hales, Oswalds and the Sons of Anarchy.

She told me she and her husband went to high school together but they didn't know each other. She was the weird artsy girl who wore strange clothes. He was carrying the weight of the Hale name. It wasn't until Mr. Hale was home from college about to start law school that fall when they crossed paths again. She was taking art and fashion design classes and working part-time at a clothing/jewelry boutique in town. He was looking for a gift for his girlfriend's birthday.

By the time he left, he'd broken up with his girlfriend and realized he had met his future wife. She wasn't as convinced. He spent the summer winning her over.

She told me timing is everything. She and her husband would never have fit together as a couple in high school. After a few years, they each had grown in different directions and found they were a perfect fit.

Later, I would think over her words when I returned to Charming. Jax and I couldn't make our relationship work at nineteen. I thought in the ten years that had passed, we would be at the point where we would fit together just like Mr. and Mrs. Hale.

Mrs. Hale went to high school with Gemma where she had quickly grown to hate her because she made fun of her clothes. Gemma had been a spoiled, headstrong, wild child. When Gemma decided to run away, it wasn't an impulsive action. She carefully planned her escape more than a month in advance.

She knew she needed money and the easiest way to get it was to get people to give it to her. She targeted the wealthiest guys at Charming High and a few not so wealthy.

Her plan had been simple: sleep with them and tell them she's pregnant. She would explain she didn't want to involve their parents or bring scandal to their families. She just needed money to leave town and take care of her situation. Gemma collected several thousand dollars.

Mrs. Hale's information was solid. Gemma had done this to one of Mr. Hale's best friends. He told Mr. Hale about it after Gemma left town.

When she returned ten years later, baby and MC in tow, she was out to establish a dynasty. Just as kings ruled kingdoms, Gemma set out to use the MC to rule Charming aided and enabled by Wayne Unser.

It isn't clear even to me now, how much Wayne Unser's transfer of power to SAMCRO was done to please Gemma, how much of it was done because he believed it best for the city and how much of it was done for his own financial benefit.

That financial benefit part turned out well for his ex-wife, but not so well for him. He spent the last months of his life living in a camper parked in various places including TM.

Power is acquired through two sources: muscle or money. Gemma knew that. SAMCRO used their muscle to acquire money and social position.

No other MC ran a town like SAMCRO did Charming. The MC was seen as noble Knights of the Round Table dishing out rough justice going where Charming PD couldn't. The members were admired. Boys saw them riding their bikes and dreamed of joining them someday and girls dreamed of being their old ladies.

Gemma raised Jax as the heir to the MC. Regular MCs voted in the president, but Gemma saw the presidency as Jax's birthright as well as Abel's. Near the end of her life, she still couldn't see how toxic the MC was to everyone. She gave Abel a ring that belonged to JT. She gave the same ring to Jax when he first patched in. She made sure Abel knew that his path was to join the MC to continue the dynasty that would live after her and after Jax.

Gemma did have one last horrific surprise for Charming courtesy of Ima's father. She rented a small storage unit in a different storage center than the one everyone knew about. This one was her secret. She paid in cash and never went inside it.

In the chaos of the last few months, she must have forgotten to pay the storage fees. When Ima's father was reviewing the list of storage lockers that were past due, he noticed the one belonging to Gemma. He had always been curious about it because she was mysterious, coming by herself, always paying cash and never taking the receipt.

He cut the lock off and found a single small battered hard sided suitcase. He made quick work of the lock with a screwdriver. When he found the black garbage bags one inside the other he had a bad feeling. Once he reached the clear plastic bags, his worst fears were realized.

Gemma said on more than one occasion that baby girls should be strangled at birth. It turns out, she wasn't joking. That's exactly how she killed her newborn daughter. When she left Charming, she really had been pregnant.

Ima's father also found a couple of notes including one that revealed the name of the baby's father.

And the father's identity was almost as shocking.

**Author's Note**

I know this chapter was Hale heavy. I needed it for his storyline. During the SOA years, Hale was the only one who always tried to do the right thing. I've been re-watching Season 2 and Hale helps SAMCRO and wants to help find justice for Gemma after Unser tells him that Gemma was attacked.

_**Please review it and I promise—less Hale in the next chapter and more Jax!**_

_**The name of the father of Gemma's baby will be revealed first in the next chapter of Jax Is Really Alive as well as the next chapter of Tara's Story.**_

_I also want to thank readers who do reviews. I write a thank you note to reviewers no matter what they say. Simple manners. I can't write back to guest reviews or back to people who don't register on the site, so that's why you haven't heard from me._

_I have the best readers (with one exception) and the incredible few who do review are the absolutely one of the best parts of writing fan fiction._

**Next Up for Tara's Story**

**Blackmail Betrayal Jealousy Murder**

_When_ Gemma got pregnant as well as the identity of the father will be revealed. (Jax Is Really Alive readers will read it first in the next chapter)

Tara's life is going to get a lot more complicated as her father tries to make amends to her. Hale helps Tara with Jax, but what are his real intentions? Someone unexpectedly finds jealousy. A blackmailer is revealed and shut down. There's a shocking act of violence leading to an even more shocking reaction.

_**And if you aren't reading Jax Is Really Alive, you should be. What's wrong with you? **_

I will upload another chapter to Jax Is Really Alive either next week or the week after.

**Tara's Perfectly Imperfect Christmas will return in November**


	12. Chapter 12 Revised

19

**TARA'S STORY REVISED**

**Chapter 11 Recap**

Saturday night, Hale asks Tara to do him a favor by posing as his girlfriend for an hour. He has been using a girlfriend as an excuse to get out of the house when he's actually selling pot and his father wants proof that the girlfriend exists.

Mrs. Hale asks them to stay for dinner. Tara compliments Mrs. Hale of how beautifully decorated her house is and asks for a few suggestions on decorating her bedroom. After dinner, she and Mrs. Hale go to her craft room. Mrs. Hales suggests a vibrant pink, red and orange color scheme. She hands Tara a large box. Tara finds a large unconventional quilt in a dark red, deep pink quilt with random diamond pieces of orange stitched on to top. Eggplant ruffles bordered the bedspread. Tara loves the quilt and Mrs. Hale gives it to her. It needed a home and Mrs. Hale wanted Tara to have it because she could see she loved it.

Hale interrupts them several hours later. They eat ice cream and Mrs. Hale reveals that Tara's going to the flea market Sunday morning with her; news that delights both Mr. Hale and Hale because they hate going to the flea market.

Mrs. Hale volunteers Hale to paint Tara's furniture eggplant. Tara breaks the news to him on the ride back to her house. Hale gets Tara to continue to play his girlfriend, but no one at school will know. She agrees.

While at the swap meet, Tara learns about Gemma's past. Before she ran away from Charming, she slept with several of the wealthier guys at school and told them she was pregnant. She asked for money to leave town and to take care of her situation. A friend of Mr. Hale's was one of the guys.

With everything that had gone on in the last months of Gemma's life, she forgets to pay the rental on a secret storage space at Ima's father's storage business. He opens her storage locker and finds a dead baby wrapped in many black bags and a couple of clear ones. Gemma always said baby girls should be strangled at birth. It turns out that's how she killed her daughter. There were notes also inside the small hard sided suitcase from the baby's father. It was almost as big a surprise as the dead baby.

**Chapter 12 **_**Blackmail Betrayal Jealousy Murder**_

I've put together the story of Gemma and her poor dead murdered baby daughter using info from Mrs. Hale, Gemma and information I came into after I left my first life. It turned out Gemma left a journal of sorts and notes in the suitcase with the baby.

Gemma may have murdered me, but I am trying to give her story some fairness. In the end though, there's no excuse for what she did. Killing a newborn is an act of supreme selfishness.

When Gemma's brother died, she lost her family. Sometimes tragedies bring families closer together, but mostly they fracture them. Gemma's parents found comfort in each other, leaving Gemma alone and on the outside. She had always been a daddy's girl. She hated her mother for taking her father and his love away from her.

Her father was a pastor and the community expected proper behavior from his family. It didn't matter that Gemma was a teen. She was expected to dress conservatively and keep her legs together. It fell to Rose to make sure her daughter behaved.

The more control Rose tried to exert over her daughter, the more Gemma rebelled. It was a nonstop battle of wills between the two. Gemma's bad behavior escalated when her mother grounded her for six weeks. Gemma began putting pillows in her bed, so it would look like she was sleeping and she would climb out her window. She started with smoking and drinking. When she decided to start having sex, she went to a clinic in Charming. She knew her life would be a living hell if she got pregnant.

One night, after a particularly bad screaming fight with her mother, a drunk and high Gemma found herself at Wayne Unser's apartment. They drank a few beers and while Wayne was comforting her, one thing led to another.

They both knew immediately afterwards that it was a mistake, but for vastly different reasons. Wayne gave alcohol to a minor and had sex with an underage girl. He could have done jail time. At the least, he would have lost his law enforcement career. That moment of weakness left him with guilt that he carried around with him for the rest of his life. His guilt and his love for Gemma kept him at her side assisting SAMCRO until the very end.

For Gemma, it was much simpler. She liked Wayne but that was as far as her feelings would ever go because she wasn't sexually attracted to him. She couldn't remember much from that night, but from what she could recall, it had been the worst sexual experience of her life. She vaguely remembered throwing up during one part of it. She wasn't sure if that was from revulsion or the alcohol.

Rose had a hand in Gemma's pregnancy. In the prior month, her mother had found her birth control pills and tossed them in the trash. She figured that would stop her slut of a daughter from having sex.

Gemma's knowledge of birth control was imperfect. She thought that if she quit taking the pills, she would have a couple of months before her body would return to normal. She either didn't think she could get pregnant when she had sex with Wayne or she was so drunk and high, she'd quit thinking.

When she missed her first two periods, she thought her body was still off schedule from the birth control pills. Missing her third period and discovering her clothes getting tighter forced her to consider the possibility that she might be pregnant. She was overwhelmed with fear when she looked at the pregnancy test stick.

If her mother found out, she would lock her in her room until the baby came and she would make her keep the baby. Her life would be over. Her father would be so ashamed of her; he wouldn't love her anymore.

She made a plan. She slept with the rich boys and blackmailed them into giving her money to take care of the pregnancy. Elliot Oswald was the exception. She didn't ask him for money. I think she had a feeling that if she returned to Charming, she could use his guilt over getting her pregnant to her advantage, so she kept him in reserve in a kind of blackmailer's savings account. That proved to be a smart play because Oswald helped the club many times.

She didn't tell Wayne that she was pregnant. She feared he would go to her parents and offer to marry her. She didn't know which was worse—being saddled with a baby at 16 or becoming Wayne Unser's teen bride and baby momma. She just knew she didn't want to find out.

She told Wayne that she couldn't stand living in that house with her mother anymore and she was leaving. She wanted his help but she made it clear, even without his help, she was leaving Charming. Wayne decided to help her because he was afraid if he didn't give her some money and help, she would end up on the streets. He gave her a fake ID showing she was over eighteen and her a ride to a bus station. It was the last time he saw her until she returned to Charming ten years later with JT.

Gemma discovered how hard it was being young, unskilled and without references. It never looked hard in all the Lifetime movies, she'd watched. Gemma definitely felt bitch slapped by reality.

She found a dingy apartment above a garage and a part-time job as a waitress. It wasn't enough to pay the bills, so she called Unser. She confessed that she was pregnant from the night they spent together. She told him she wanted to keep and raise the baby. He wired her money. She purposely didn't give him her address. She was afraid he would turn up at her apartment.

She didn't think about her pregnancy. I think she was hoping that somehow the problem would go away. She was young and immature and she made bad decisions.

She felt the first labor pains at work. She could either have the baby in secret or go to a hospital. If she went to a hospital she was convinced that they would find out her true identity. Her parents would be contacted—they had moved to Oregon shortly after she ran away. They would drag her and the baby back to Oregon and her mother would keep her under lock and key until she turned eighteen. She feared that more than she did having the baby alone.

She grabbed some extra black plastic garbage bags from work after her shift ended. She covered the floor with them and got some towels and a knife. During labor, she thought she was going to die and she blamed the baby. When the baby was born, Gemma looked into her daughter's face and saw her mother.

She claimed in her notes that she didn't remember choking the life out of her baby. She only remembered that the baby quit crying. She believed that since she created that life, she had the right to take it.

She never expressed remorse in any of her notes. The problem was solved and she moved on. She couldn't go to work at the diner for a few days after the birth, so she lost her job. She called Wayne and told him the baby was stillborn and she needed money to bury her. Wayne couldn't say no to that and once again, he wired her money.

Gemma discovered an oddity in the law. Bartenders only needed to be eighteen to serve liquor. Gemma started getting jobs bartending. It was easier work than waitressing and the tips were better. One bartending job led to another until she found herself working as a bartender at a biker bar. The guys loved her. She was young, pretty and knew how to talk to them.

I felt sorry for Wayne. He gave alcohol to a minor and had sex with her when she was too drunk to give consent. He took advantage of her, but I don't think he was a predator. I don't think he deliberately got her drunk so he could have sex with her. I believe he thought she had feelings for him. His guilt kept him at Gemma's side for the rest of his life. He didn't deserve that much punishment for his actions, but he loved Gemma and could never get her out of his heart. It just goes to show how love can destroy your life.

She never regretted her actions and she had no guilt over the life she had taken, yet she carried the body of her daughter around with her until her return to Charming where she put her suitcase of death in a storage unit.

I think that despite Gemma's notes claiming that she had the right to take the baby's life and she felt no remorse, she must have felt something towards the baby or she would have gotten rid of her.

I believe she felt a connection to her daughter that prevented her from burying her or tossing her body into a dumpster. She may also have kept the baby to use if she ever needed to blackmail Wayne, but I believe her keeping the baby and paying the storage fee each month was her attempt at atoning for her sin and, despite all her words to the contrary, she had some regret for killing her daughter or at least I'd like to believe that for Jax's sake.

When Abel was kidnapped, Jax told me that the nuns said they had placed Abel with a loving family and then they claimed they didn't know the name. Gemma held a loaded gun to a baby and said she was going to kill the baby if the nuns didn't give up the information. Referencing King Solomon from the Bible, Gemma said she would rather have a half dead kid than to have strangers raise her flesh and blood.

I think this also had a lot to do with Gemma killing the baby. She could have left the baby someplace safe and called the police from a pay phone and told them the baby's location, but she didn't want the baby and she didn't want anyone else to have her either.

It's easy to be kind when times are good. It's how you act in a crisis that determines your character. Gemma was a killer. She believed she had the divine right to kill. She created the baby's life and that gave her the right to determine the future of that life. It should have come as no surprise to me that she killed me. It was predictable.

Clay knew Unser was in love with Gemma and he took a certain sadistic pleasure watching Wayne and Gemma together, knowing Gemma wasn't the least bit attracted to him.

Mrs. Hale had no use for Gemma but she had compassion for Jax. She knew he would have a tough life. I didn't want to hear that. Deep down, I knew she was right, but I didn't want to think about Jax having a hard life. I cared for him too much, but that wasn't a declaration of love. I just liked him because we were friends. Nothing more. And I hoped if I thought that enough, maybe it would be true.

Most of my purchases stayed with Mrs. Hale from that Sunday flea market trip. They would go into my finished room. She was going to have Hale paint some of the stuff I got. I just needed to get the paint from my father. She'd given me a list of the paint and its type— matte, high gloss, egg shell and semi-gloss—it meant little to me, but she knew the difference.

After she dropped me off, I was in such a good mood, I decided I'd cut the bushes that were growing in front of my bedroom window making my room dark. My father managed to cut the grass, but everything else fell to me to do.

It only took twenty minutes to do the actual cutting. I cleaned up the trimmings and was just about to go inside when Jeff walked into the garage.

"Well, Tara, girl next door, how are you?"

"I'm fine. What do you want?" I asked politely.

"You're a pretty girl. I just want to get to know you better."

"Sorry. I'm busy. I have to go study."

"Really? I bet if your blonde boyfriend showed up, you would forget all about school."

"Please leave the garage so I can close the door."

He grinned at me and looked me up and down, his eyes lingering on the "V" of my T-shirt looking. It took him several seconds before he gave up trying to find my breasts.

"I want you to be nicer to me. You pretend to be this pure little virgin, so innocent. Only maybe you aren't quite so pure since your blonde boyfriend stayed over Friday night. He must had a good time because he came back Saturday for more, only you were out with some guy with long brown hair. Did you let him fuck you too?"

He leaned against the washer, staking his claim to the garage and he leered at me.

I felt my face grow hot from anger and embarrassment. It didn't take much for my pale skin to redden. My heart hammered hard in my chest and my legs were shaky. I had to walk within four feet of him to get into the house. I was petrified that he was going to grab me.

He didn't stop me. I got into the house safely and I slammed and locked the door behind me. I heard him laughing.

Up until then, that was the most frightening experience of my life. I really believed he was going to attack me.

I've read so many romance novels and seen a ton of romantic comedies where the man and woman are enemies or take an instant dislike to each other. Somehow it's really because they are madly in love with each other. This was not the case with Jeff and me. I hated him. He was not the man of my dreams or the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to spend the rest of my life without him in it. Just the idea of him watching me, chilled me to the bone.

I thought about the information that Jeff had given me. Jax had come by Saturday night. I wondered what he thought when I didn't answer the door. Was he mad? Was he jealous?

I was torn. Part of me regretted leaving Saturday and missing him, but the other, more mature part, knew I shouldn't spend my time waiting at home, just in case he came by.

I'd had a lot of fun at Hale's house. His parents were great and his father had a lot of funny stories about the courtroom. His mother was helping me decorate my bedroom and she was giving me that beautiful quilt. I also had a great time at the flea market. We even planned to go to another one in two weeks to get the final touches for my bedroom.

When I was with Hale and his family, it was great. I got to experience what a family was like. When I was with Jax, it was great too but in a different way. My thinking became a crazy circle as I tried to decide between the Hales and Jax. As an adult, I can easily see that I didn't have to choose, but as a teen, sometimes I'd get a little obsessed about the strangest things and my mind would turn in endless circles.

I'd missed the most important point: Jax came by Saturday to see me. That must mean something. He could have gone to another girl's house. Or he could have come by my house after finding his first three choices weren't at home.

That really high feeling—Jax came by to see me. That down feeling—maybe I wasn't first choice. It was this never ending roller coaster of emotions. I couldn't just feel happy that he had come by to see me.

I remembered what Hale had said about not being too available. I hoped that he was right about that.

After about a half hour of unproductive thought, I opened the house door to the garage to see if Jeff had left. He was gone so I pressed the button and lowered the garage door. I hoped that was the last I'd see of him, but I knew that was wishful thinking.

My mother and my aunt were calm. I never saw either of them ever lose their tempers. A raised voice was the extent of their anger.

When Jeff became angry at me so quickly when I turned down his offer of a ride, I was scared. If something that trivial could set him off, I was afraid of what he would be like when he was really angry.

My father was usually in a good mood when he returned on Sunday. I think playing rock star on the weekend helped with his attitude and it was the perfect time to tell him about our neighbor.

When I told him that Darby was a meth cook and dealer and had been in prison, his reaction stunned me. He already knew.

I was speechless. According to my father, Darby was this noble figure who was turning his life around after a couple of stretches in prison and I was a terrible judgmental person.

I tried not to feel bad. I didn't think I was wrong to warn him about Darby. My father seemed incapable of ever seeing my side in anything. He lived in this strange fantasy world. I don't know how much pot, alcohol or both went into this equation; I only knew that I had no respect for him and, I lot of the time, I didn't like him very much.

Instead of dwelling on my father issues, I went to my room and picked up a murder mystery that I'd gotten at the discount book store at the Small Mall. I didn't want to read anything about family drama or romance.

I was relieved that Jeff wasn't outside when I walked past his house the next morning. Jax was waiting for me and my heart beat faster at the sight of him. He always looked so good with his rumpled blonde hair and sky blue eyes. When he smiled at me, it was sunshine for my soul.

I spent most of the previous night trying to decide if I should tell him that I was with Hale Saturday. I hadn't planned on mentioning it until Jeff told me that Jax had come by my house. And then there was Hale's advice about not being too available. Despite all that thinking, I still hadn't reached a decision.

I asked him about his visit with his friend Opie. I told him I'd gone to the Small Mall on Saturday. He didn't mention coming by my house so I didn't tell him where I was either.

I was still fighting hard not to fall in love with him. I knew all the reasons why I shouldn't fall in love with him but my heart wasn't listening to my head. I began to believe that falling in love with Jax was inevitable and that the sooner I fell in love, the sooner I'd get my heartbroken and I could move on. Life was so much simpler before guys.

On the walk home, I told Jax about my father's reaction when I told him about Darby's past and how he had turned everything around reprimanding me for not being more open minded. Jax took my side, just as I knew he would.

I felt guilty for not telling him about Hale, but I told myself that I didn't owe him an accounting of how I spent my time, just as he didn't owe me one.

Let the relationship games begin! It's the game no one wants to play, but, like it or not, everyone plays.

I did notice Jax making out in the hall with a variety of girls. I couldn't tell if he had stopped and started again or if he had never stopped and I just hadn't seen him.

Tuesday morning, Jax told me he wouldn't be in biology because he had to leave early for a dental appointment.

Hale made a point of hanging around me when Jax was nearby. After Hale had lunch at my table with my friends, I pulled him aside.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm helping you with Jax."

"You want me to join his harem hook-ups?"

"You aren't a harem hook-up sort of girl."

"Was that a compliment or an insult?"

"Let me explain something—Teller's hallway hook-ups don't mean a thing to him. It's recreation, nothing more. When he's only with one girl, that's when he has feelings for the girl."

"And you're helping me . . . how?"

"By making him jealous of course."

"Suppose, purely for the sake of this discussion, I wanted Jax to like me in a romantic sort of way, how is him seeing me with you going to help me?"

Hale shook his head.

"Tara, for a smart girl, you are definitely a slow learner when it comes to guys. Men like to compete for a girl so when we win the girl, she's a prize."

I tugged at my hair nervously.

"So this is a fake competition for my heart?"

Hale gave me such a sad wistful look, it made my heart hurt.

"Yeah," he said forcing a smile. "That's all that it is."

I told myself that I was wrong about Hale, that I'd misinterpreted his facial expression and tone of voice. Hale was a drug dealer and I wasn't going to fall in love with a drug dealer even if he only sold pot. I didn't appreciate the irony of that until I was inside Jax's dangerous world.

Hale gave me a ride home in his truck, so he could pick up the paint my father brought home Monday. I double checked it against a copy of the list I'd made. He had gotten everything plus all the supplies I would need.

Before we moved the paint, we ate a snack of cheesecake bars that I'd made last night. We also loaded some of the smaller pieces of my bedroom furniture and the drawers from my desk and chest of drawers into the back of Hale's truck. Hale left just as Jeff pulled up and got out of his car.

"If it isn't my beautiful neighbor Tara, my favorite girl next door."

I rolled my eyes. He was pretending to be nice to me, but I could see through him.

"I'm the _only_ girl next door."

He laughed.

"You are so funny. I think we would be great together."

"Not even if Hell froze over and you were the last man on earth."

He ran up to me and grabbed my wrists before I could react.

"You think you're too good for me," he snarled in my face. "What would your father think of his pure virginal daughter's overnights with her blonde boyfriend?"

"Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"You disrespected me. You need to treat me right. I want you on your knees giving me a blow job or I'm going to tell your daddy about your blonde boyfriend spending the night. I wonder what he would say about that?"

**NEXT UP**

**More drama for Tara with Jeff and her father.**


	13. Chapter 13 Revised

9

**Tara's Story**

**Chapter 12 Recap**

Tara reveals that when Gemma ran away from Charming at sixteen, she was pregnant from a drunken night with Unser. She doesn't find him sexually attractive and that never changes. Unser carries the guilt of that night around with him and spends the rest of his life trying to make amends to her. Gemma doesn't tell him of her pregnancy until she's away from Charming. She doesn't want to end up as his teen bride. She tells him the baby was stillborn and she needs money for the burial. She kills the baby, wraps her in plastic bags and puts her in a small suitcase. When she returns to Charming, she brings her suitcase of death to Ima's father's storage lockers. Tara thinks that Gemma carries the suitcase with her out of some sort of regret. After Gemma fails to pay the current month's rent and her body is found, Ima's father opens the storage locker and discovers the baby's remains.

Tara's problems with Jeff escalate. He tells her that he knows her blonde boyfriend, as he calls Jax, spent the night. He threatens to tell her father.

**Chapter 13 Bruises**

My aunt and I had taken a four hour workshop in self-defense. I brought my hands down hard and then out breaking his grip just as I learned in that course. It was about the only thing I still remembered.

"If you want to know what my father thinks about it, tell him then you'll know. You make me sick. Loser," I said. I walked quickly into the house locking the door behind me.

I thought I'd done a good job faking that I wasn't frightened, but I was terrified. My legs felt wobbly and my heart was racing. Jeff scared the hell out of me. He was psycho.

His threat didn't worry me because I didn't think my father would care about me having an overnight guest. He rarely even asked me what I'd done over the weekend. And what could he do to me? He wasn't about to quit playing weekend rock star. He loved it too much. He couldn't take me with him because there wasn't any place for me to stay. I was confident my father wouldn't do anything to me over Jax's overnight visit. I also thought Jeff might be bluffing.

I began mentally beating myself up. I wanted to find something wrong with my behavior that caused this problem with Jeff. I could correct the problem and Jeff would leave me alone. Maybe I could have been nicer.

I realized my thinking was all wrong. I hadn't said or done anything that justified Jeff trying to blackmail me. I was just trying tor find something wrong with me because I could fix that. I couldn't do anything about Jeff.

I decided not to tell my father about Jeff. He would take Jeff's side and blame me based on his past reactions.

After dinner, a guy came over. My father introduced him as Mark. He had a shaved head and a goatee and eyes that were an odd color. I'd had a friend with brown eyes who got green colored contacts. They made her eyes look like the color of canned peas, sort of a dingy green. He had been on a business trip for several months and he'd just gotten back. He and my father had been best friends since high school.

They went over to Darby's with the twelve pack of beer that Mark brought. My father told me he wouldn't be back until late. As usual, I reminded him to bring his key and to lock the door behind him when he returned. I was glad to have the extra security of a deadbolt on my bedroom door so I didn't have to rely on his memory.

The next morning, Jeff wasn't outside waiting for me to walk past him on my way to school. Maybe he was too hung over from last night. Whatever the reason, I was glad I didn't have to see him.

Jax sensed something was wrong, but I wasn't ready to tell him about Jeff. Just saying the words would be embarrassing. I wasn't sure if I could or should tell him. I just knew that I wasn't going to tell Hale.

I was only sixteen and I was still a minor. I was afraid if Hale's father found out my father left me alone unsupervised every weekend, he might get into trouble for child neglect and I'd end up in foster care. As much as I complained about my father, he was better than foster care.

Hale hovered around me at lunch continuing his plan to make me look more desirable to Jax. I'd given up on trying to convince him that I had no romantic interest in Jax. He simply refused to believe me and I was beginning to doubt the accuracy of my denial.

As Jax and I walked home, I spent most of the time debating whether or not I should tell him about Jeff. I finally decided I would tell him if I could figure out the words to say. At sixteen, lots of things still embarrassed me like condom, douche and lubricant commercials. Anything related to sex instantly made me blush.

"Tell me," Jax said after we'd walked almost the whole way home without talking. "I know there's something you're working up the courage to tell me."

It hit me then that Jax might think I needed to tell him something about Hale. Maybe there _was_ some jealousy there. There was just something odd in his tone of voice.

"The guy that lives next door, Jeff—he's been watching me."

"Looking in windows? Stuff like that?"

I shook my head.

"I always keep my blinds closed so there wouldn't be anything for him to see. Somehow, he figured out that you spent Friday night with me." I paused, trying once again to figure out how to tell him the next part without my face bursting into flames.

"Yesterday, he tried to blackmail me by threatening to tell my father that you spent the night with me Friday if I didn't . . . " I paused and took a deep breath "perform . . . a . . . sex act on him."

Jax's face flushed, but it wasn't with embarrassment. He was furious.

"What did you say?"

"I told him to go ahead and tell him. I also told him that even if Hell froze over and he was the last man on earth, I still would have nothing to do with him."

"Is that how your wrists got bruised?"

I was taken by surprise that he noticed the bruises. They were mostly concealed by my long sleeved blue shirt.

"Let me see," he said stopping.

I pushed up my sleeves to show him.

"My skin bruises easily, but he also had a strong grip."

"I'd like to get my hands on him," Jax said.

"That makes one of us," I said.

He laughed and I felt some of the anger drain out of him.

"I'll come with you and talk to your father."

This warm rush of emotion flooded my body. I squeezed his arm.

"That's so sweet of you. The truth is I don't think my father cares how I spend my weekends. Even if Jeff tells him, he isn't going to do anything about it. He enjoys playing weekend rock star too much. He isn't going to quit that and stay home with me and he isn't going to bring me with him on the road."

"OK, but if it does become a problem, I'll talk to your father."

"That's pretty terrific of you."

"We're partners, remember?"

As we got closer to my home, I could see Jax tense, but Jeff wasn't outside and his car was gone.

He told me that he'd meet me at the corner in the morning and he repeated that he would talk to my father.

My father's friend Mark came over with pizza for dinner. They told me stories about their high school days. I was still too angry with my father over Darby to enjoy the evening.

I went to bed early to read and let them have the living room to themselves, but not before my father shared with me that Darby and Jeff were leaving Thursday afternoon on a five day fishing trip. He also told me that Mark was going to meet him Friday and spend the weekend with him and his band.

I was hurt and angry. I couldn't figure out why I even had any feelings for my father. I have never seen my father perform with his band The Fire Ants. It hadn't really bothered me until that night because he was making such a big deal over his best buddy going to watch him perform.

During the conversation, Mark let it slip that he'd been in Columbia during his lengthy business trip. I couldn't help but wonder if there was more to this weekend trip than music. Well, at least I wouldn't have to worry about Darby and his psycho nephew, just my father and his potentially drug dealing best friend.

Thursday morning started out OK. My father had written me a note on the dry erase board he recently hung on the front door. His band got a last minute job and he was leaving before I got home from school. That just meant I would have an extra night of being home alone. That was fine with me. Things were still tense with him.

Jeff wasn't waiting outside. I was beginning to believe he had finally realized he should leave me alone.

Just as I got to the corner, he got into his car, pulled it across the street and stopped. Jax arrived and when we began walking, he drove slowly, keeping pace with us.

I could practically feel Jax's tension as he watched the traffic as we walked to school. Jeff was now stuck at a four way stop with four cars in front of him and two cars behind him. It was a traffic jam Charming style.

"Stay on the sidewalk, no matter what happens."

He ran across the street to Jeff's car, reached in through the driver's open window and punched him in the eye. He drove his elbow into Jeff's face connecting with his nose which began bleeding. Jeff tried to fight back coming up with a couple of weak punches Jax easily deflected. Jax finished with another punch to the face and then he spit on him.

I didn't understand the significance of Jax spitting on Jeff until several years later. I learned that it's the ultimate gesture of contempt in MC circles.

Jax trotted back across the street, blood splattered across his T-shirt and a big grin on his face. That was the moment I fell deeply, hopelessly in love with Jax. It was the happiest moment of my life up to then.

"That was awesome!" I dumped my backpack on the sidewalk and hugged Jax. He wrapped his arms around me.

"Are you OK? The blood . . . "

"His. Coward wouldn't get out of the car to fight me."

"No one has ever stuck up for me like that."

"You're my partner. No one messes with you without going through me first."

He kissed me on the forehead before releasing me.

I loved the way Jax made me feel safe and protected. It made me feel like I was worth something. For my entire life, my mother and my aunt drilled into my brain that I had to fight my own battles and here was Jax by my side helping me. I hadn't even had to ask.

Fast forward to the time shortly before my death. While I was in jail waiting for a bond hearing, I thought back to high school and that time when Jax protected and helped me. I thought he would do the same. When he didn't, I used my disastrous back-up plan. I don't regret using it. I regretted it failed. I regretted bringing Wendy into it. I regretted getting caught. Our boys could not have a happy life with Gemma and the MC in their lives. Maybe one, but not the other. As their mother, I had to try to save them.

Getting back to the morning when Jax punched Jeff, I held Jax's hoodie while he turned his T-shirt to the back so the blood wouldn't show. He didn't want any problems with school. That was the only thing I remember from the rest of that walk to school.

I was floating along on a cloud of love and happiness. My brain had come around and agreed with my heart that falling in love with Jax was not only OK, but a great thing to do.

I came back to earth with a crash as Jax and I were walking home from school. I saw my father's high school friend Mark coming out of a small deli. I pointed him out to Jax and told him that Mark was going to spend the weekend with my father and his band.

Jax's jaw sort of clenched and I knew something was wrong.

The silence between us dragged on and I wondered what I'd said about Mark that could have caused this change. No, there was nothing that I said that could have caused this tension. It must be something else. Something about me.

Jax and I usually part at the corner, but he continued to walk with me to my house. My heart beat painfully in my chest and I felt sick inside—like I was going to vomit. I couldn't believe this. He was dumping me and we had never really been together. What changed since the morning? What had I done wrong?

"Tara, I don't know how to tell you this . . ."

"Just tell me," I whispered. It was OK. Break my heart. I should have known better than to fall for him. My stupid heart should have listened to my brain and not the other way around.

The sooner he broke my heart, the sooner I could cry my heart out in my bedroom. What a fool I'd been thinking I stood any kind of chance with him.

"Your father's best friend is an undercover DEA agent."

**Next Up: **More Drama

**Next Up For Me:** I plan on posting another chapter of Tara's Still Perfectly Imperfect Christmas in the next few days. I will also post a new chapter to Jax Is Really Alive next week or the week after depending on its length and whether I decide to break the chapter into two parts.


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